How I feel today:

Today started out really bad.  I didn’t get to sleep until 3am.  I woke up a little after 9 because of a bad dream.  I grew up living next door to my molestor.  It happened around the age of 5 or 6.  I had to live there until we left for Atlanta when I was 14.  He later died and the house became available.  Well, now my cousin lives there.  I have not been back in that house since we moved down here….and I do not want to go back in it either.  I realize that facing it and going in will make me face it and deal with the feelings, but I don’t think I’m ready.  Anyway, I dreamed that my mother moved back home and when I went up there to visit….I discovered that she lived in THAT house.  I woke up in tears.  It’s crazy because it was kind of like it was an out-of-body experience because I KNEW I was dreaming while still sleep, but at first I could not wake up.

I posted to my support board because I KNEW that if I got up to eat, I was going to binge and I REALLY didn’t want to do that.  I figured that if I stayed away from the kitchen…..I would save myself…..so I stayed in bed for hours.  I felt my depression kicking in.  I laid in bed in the dark not wanting to do anything.  So, in trying to get out of the funk that I felt coming on, I started going through old files from my computer that I just transferred to the flash drive.  I don’t know if it was a mistake or a blessing, but a that time, I saw the house on a picture of my family.  I also saw pictures of my ex-fiance….my daughter’s molester.  I got pissed!!!!! I KNEW that the devil was trying to get me and I had to fight it with everything I had.  This is what I posted on my support board.

“Ok, I’m REALLY ticked off now!!!!! I know that some of you are not spiritual, and I don’t mean to offend those that are not….but I am and I’m REALLY mad right now!

Yeah, I had a horrible dream and it woke me up, read below to know what I’m talking about….but 3 hours later, I’m STILL in bed because of it. And, I’m mad and I’m getting ready to get up, brush this off as what it is….and get my day started.

Why am I mad? Because in trying to get over that dream, I began looking through old pictures on my computer…..ones of the family….and what did I see?….a PICTURE of the house I was molested in!!!!! And, I didn’t mention that my cousin lives there now!!!! In this picture, my family is all around the house all happy and stuff!!! I stayed looking at that picture for at least 10 minutes noticing EVERYTHING about it. And, you know what…..I’m mad because it took my childhood 33 years ago, it took my sleep last night, and it’s now taken 3 hours of my life….AND I REFUSE TO LET IT TAKE ANOTHER SECOND!!!!!!

I KNOW that this is the devil trying to defeat me and I WILL NOT LET HIM WIN!!!!! God has me and as long as I have Him…..I WILL MAKE IT!!!! No matter what is put on me…..I WILL MAKE IT!!!!!!

So, TAKE THAT you depression inducing bastard!!!!!!!!!! I’m not going to take this laying down!!!!! I’m getting up out of my bed…..getting some sunlight in this dark house….and getting my day started!!!!!

WITHOUT A BINGE!!!!! WITHOUT ANOTHER TEAR!!!!!! WITHOUT ANOTHER DEPRESSING THOUGHT!!!!! WITHOUT ANOTHER LIE THAT THIS IS GOING TO BEAT ME!!!!!!

The only person that can beat me is me!!! AND I CAN TAKE HER!!!!!

YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!!!”

A few hours later and I feel GOOD now! 

GOD IS SO GOOD!!! 

Until later….

How I feel today: 

Until later….

How I feel today:

I’m a member of the clean plate club….no matter how much it is….if it’s on my plate….I will hurt myself trying to finish it all.  I don’t know where I got it from, all I know is that I have it.  So, look at what I made tonight to eat.  That’s turkey meatballs, whole wheat rotini, and spinach.  It’s so hot that you can still see all the smoke coming from it. 

How I feel today:

When Thanksgiving rolled around, I told myself to enjoy it without thinking about how much I ate or what I ate.  For that one day, I would do what I wanted.  But, it could only be that one day…..NOTHING MORE!  So, as I was leaving my sister’s house from eating, I took a plate….but I didn’t take much because I knew that it would have to be gone that night!  Got home….later on I ate the rest of it…..except for these damn potato chips.  I woke up in the morning and they were still there. I could have sworn that I wished them away the night before.  But, they were still there.  They started calling me.  I was like !  I know how they are my weakness….and I knew that I couldn’t lie to myself again…..I knew they had to go!  So, I sat there thinking….now THIS is why food addiction is so bad….I actually said this to myself….”Don’t just throw them away, because you know they are in a bag and you might go in there and get them!”  I knew it was a clean bag in there so shuddap!  Anyway, I knew I had to do something that would make me not try to “save” them.  So, I sat there crunching them up and this is where they ended up!

Guess I showed them huh?!!!!! 

Until later….

How I feel today:

Well, it took a while, but I’m back snitcheeeeeeeeeeeeeees!  Do you like the new layout?  You’d better because it took me forEVER!  It wouldn’t have taken that long if I wasn’t so anal and I just did what I should do instead of making every freggin thing right.  But, if I didn’t do that, then I wouldn’t be me. A lot of stuff has changed and I’ll be getting into all of that in the near future. But, all of it is for the better.  Ya girl has changed and it’s for the better….so if you thought I was bad before?……just wait!!!! 

I’m on a mission to quit talking so much too.  So, we’ll see how that works. 

I just brought pretty much everything over with me from the old layout….so within the next few days, I’ll be adding some more stuff and getting rid of some old stuff….so, look around now, because it might not be here long!

Until later….



How I feel today: 

Ok, so how dumb is this?  And, you wonder why we have SO many unhealthy folks in the US?!!!!!

I use Parkay butter spray now right?  I used to use it a while ago but quit because I quit being “healthier” at one point and just didn’t give a damn.  So, now that I’m back to taking care of myself, I’ve “failed proof” my house and I bought spray butter again.  It’s basically just butter in spray form so that you use less of it.

This is what it is.

With all the confusion around and attempt to educate the public on food labels and serving sizes over the past few years, it seems a label with nothing but zeros on it would be simple to understand. Just use a couple sprays, but with information like 0 calories it would be like telling someone to eat just one potato chip. I decided to contact ConAgra (owner of the Parkay brand) regarding the contents and here is what they confirmed.

March 24, 2005

Thank you for contacting us. The Parkay Spray was developed
to give you the buttery taste of real butter without the fat
and calories.  There are 8 calories in 1 spray and 40 calories
in 5 sprays.  Fat content is .085grams in 1 spray, .4 grams
in 5 sprays. We appreciate your interest in Parkay.

ConAgra Foods Consumer Affairs

050469237A

That means that in the entire bottle there are 832 total calories from 93 grams of fat. Now you may be wondering why it is they can list it as 0 calories. Phil Kaplan, who runs PhilKaplan.com, has the answer.

The FDA labeling law says that if there’s less than 1/2 gram of fat in a serving, a food can be labeled “Fat-Free.” The catch is, nobody regulates what the food companies refer to as a serving size.

Well that’s just stupid… I’ve never used ONE spray.

“Once again, we run afoul of labeling loopholes. Yes, in the serving size listed on the package ( 1 – 5 sprays) the product is legally zero. But, it is not actually zero in any quantity.

In fact, Parkay Spray has .8 calories in 1 spray and 4 calories in 5 sprays. Fat content is .085 grams in 1 spray, .4 grams in 5 sprays. That means that in the entire bottle there are 832 total calories from 93 grams of fat. ”

I guess the ideal situation for the food and beverage industry would be to set the serving size on every product so small it could be considered ‘fat-free.’ Fortunately this tactic has been receiving increased scrutiny over the past couple of years most often with soft drinks and snack foods.

I do agree that this is a good product, in fact I have two bottles in my refrigerator. The problem with this labeling occurs when a person does not realize there are ‘hidden’ calories and decides to use it in a manner inconsistent with a ‘few sprays,’ such as with baking. What is thought of as a 0 calorie replacement for butter in your dishes is simply substituting one fat for the other.

I hope you have found this article educational and should you choose to try or continue using one of these products, you can do so a little smarter. For a decent list of products you can choose from in this category I recommend the following page: Better than Butter.

Until later….

How I feel today: 

Ok, let me tell you about this fool!  He is a complete nut!  You can’t help but laugh at this.  This is my favorite comedian skit of all time….yep…even better than Eddie Murphy! 
But, this is sooooooooooo true and the men at the club actually are like this! 

I HATE to hear a man call a woman a bitch, but I looooooooooooove this! 

Until later….

How I feel today:

This is one of the reasons that I love me now.  I used to sing this first to the man that I loved at the time.  Then, when that died out and we broke up…I changed up a few words and began to sing it to God.  That made me feel even more love for God.  Then, I thought about and would sometimes sing the real words and began to sing it to myself.  And, at that point….I began to cry.  I began to cry because I realized that I didn’t really love me.  I hated that feeling.  But, I took that and began to sing this to myself more and more.  And, before I knew it…..I began to believe it.  And, I would begin to get a mirror and sing it too myself with all my heart.  I would cry because I truly meant it.  This is my favorite song of all times!!!!!!

Until later….

How I feel today:

This might take a minute or two to load depending on your internet connection speed, so just please be patient.

Until later….

How I feel today:

This might take a minute or two to load depending on your internet connection speed, so just please be patient.

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Until later….

How I feel today:

This might take a minute or two to load depending on your internet connection speed, so just please be patient.

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Until later….

How I feel today:

Whoaaaaaaaa!!!  Slow down the world for a sec! I’ve been soooooo busy ’til it’s crazy! But, it’s not gonna stop me! I just have to pick it up and move on!  So I’m still here…..I’m working on a loooooooooooooong video.  I just have to edit it and post it.  So, hopefully I will have them here today. 
Until later….

How I feel today:

Ok, so here we go.  At first I was doing Weight Watchers.  They change so much until I got tired of it, so then I switched to counting calories.  Well now, I’ve come back to Weight Watchers….but not the current one.  I’m back doing the one that REALLY worked for me…..the Winning Points!  I figure like this….Weight Watchers is a business and the more then “slow down” weight loss, the more money they make.  So, I would do it too from a business standpoint.  I mean, on Winning Points I got 32-37 points…and lost weight at a steady rate…then with this new Momentum plan, I got 44 points. Now, if 1 point is roughly 50 calories.  That meant that I got an ADDITIONAL 600 calories PER DAY!  Someone please explain how that works.  Go ahead…..I’ll wait. 

So, I have OCD…and having that OCD, I don’t do good with specific numbers.  Let me explain this.  If you tell me that I have 32-37 points….calories….anything…..THAT’S what I strive for.  And, if I don’t make it…..I feel like I’ve failed a little.  But, that range is obtainable.  Now…if you say I have 44 points….calories….whatever…..THAT’S what I strive for.  And, if I do 43 or 45….anything but that 44…..I feel like I’ve failed a little.  And, that range of 32-37 is so much more realistic to me….than ONE specific number.  So, in order for me to make it happen, I feel like I need to go back to worked for me.  So, that’s what I’m going to try to do.

I originally lost 150 pounds with the first plan….and then I went along with all the changes that WW (Weight Watchers) made and I lost less and less weight with all of the changes they do.  Then it clicked to me…..WW is a business….and I need to look at it like that.    So, I’m going to do an experiment and go back to what originally worked and see how it works again. So, I guess we’ll all see the progress. 
Until later….

How I feel today:

So, the pain was still bad and it woke me up out of my sleep this morning and I was in tears. So, I called my dentist and he told me to come in because he thought that I had a “dry socket”. So, naturally I got really scared because my sister is a dental assistant and she said that if it was a dry socket that I would probably want to jump off a bridge because it was going to hurt so bad. So it scared me to death. But, when I got there, he said that is was not a dry socket and it was just trauma because the blood clot was still there. He gave me more pain medication and some antibiotics. So, although I still hurt really bad…I’m so thankful it’s not a dry socket. I stopped and got some yogurt so that I won’t get a yeast infection from the antibiotic. So, I’m hopeful that the pain will stop sometime soon.

Until later….

How I feel today:

I’ve been MIA for days….well….after I left the Mo’Nique show taping on Thursday, I had a toothache. It didn’t really get bad until Friday evening. Then I swear Satan was digging in my tooth with a pitch fork he held in fire for 2000 hours! At least that’s what it felt like.

About 2 months ago, I had a cavity filled and she said she saw the root. She just filled it and told me it would have to come out. So, I knew I would have to get it pulled one day…but that woman said it might be 2 years from now. Well so much for that! Needless to say, my other dentist was closed when it got bad. So, I started doping myself up with everything from Aleve, Advil, Hydrocodone and anything else that I thought would work. Finally I took some Motrin 800 and it helped some….so I just kept dealing with the pain and waiting for today to get the wisdom tooth pulled. I woke up this morning and ran to the dentist. He pulled it.

It was really rough because the roots of my tooth were curved and touched at the bottom. And, in doing that, the roots made a half circle. The nerve he had to get was in that half circle. And, we didn’t find this out until I kept feeling excruciating pain when he pulled. He cut the tooth in half and then shot me in between the split. I came up out of the chair and he said, “That’s the sweet spot!” I wanted to cuss him out. I know him personally so it would have been ok, just not very professional. Anyway, once he hit the nerve, and it was numb….I didn’t care what he did to me, and it came right out.  For some hours, I felt NO PAIN! 

Now I sit here, mouth wide open….and probably slobbing! It still hurts like hell, but this is a different type of hurt. This hurt hurts down in the bone, but I’ll take that from the sharp stabbing pain of the tooth. This weekend was ridiculously awful and I hope to NEVER feel that pain again!!!!

I’m rambling on because I’ve had nothing but Cream of Wheat to eat since Friday and dammit I’m mad! lol I can’t wait to be out of pain AND eat real food and y’all pray for me that this heals quick before I go and throw a rock through some random person’s windshield!

Until later….