Until later….

How I feel today:

Until later….

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

Today is kind of crazy.  I have mixed emotions today.  Ok, it all started yesterday.  Yesterday I was on an attention mode.  I just wanted to be adored for a while.  For some crazy reason, I have been working my ass off and I have not been out of the house for a while.  Well, yesterday I got super cute and went to go run errands. So, this is how it went.  After I ran my errands, I went up to this barber shop where this guy really digs me.  He is a real cutie…..well except the last time I saw him he wasn’t too sexy.  But, yesterday, his sexiness was back in full force.  Now, dude is married so I know I ain’t gone let shit pop off.  But, when I want my hug fix, I go to him and get one right quick because I know his ass is busy and I don’t have to sit and talk to him.  I just get my hug, push him off….and dip.  Well shit when I walked into the barber shop I saw that it had changed.  Well, in sitting in there, I felt like a fuckin piece of chicken….cause all the dudes in there were like .  Ok, so this one dude was looking at me on the sly.  He would face the mirror and then look at me.  So, I saw him out of the corner of my eye and dude was sexy as shit.  Well, every time I would catch him staring at me, he would turn his head.  But, he kept started looking.  Now, the other men were beginning to try to holla.  Well Reese (the guy who gives me my hugs) evidently didn’t like that, cause he walked up, stood right in front of me close as hell and said, “You didn’t give me my hug.”  So, I stood up and gave him a hug.  He tried to kiss me but naturally, I stopped him.  I don’t kiss married men.  Anyway, after I hugged him, I stayed around for a little while and then I went outside.  Well, the dude that was looking on the sly was standing outside.  He tried to holla, then I noticed his finger.  That nigga was married.  So, I politely said, sorry, I don’t date married men…..and I was getting in my car.  Well, as I was getting in my car, this other dude at the gas pump caught my attention.  He was a cutie too.  So, I looked at him long enough to let him know that I was interested and he began to walk over to the car.  So, we talked for a minute and just when I was getting my card out to give to him, I asked him if he was married.  He said, “Naw, I’m not married, but I do have a girl I chill with.”  And, the fool still stood there trying to holla…..now….I truly believe in karma.  I don’t do anything that I don’t want done to me.  And, I told him that.  He was like, “But, we could go out as friends right?”  I said, “Nope, cause I’m spoiled and if I have to share, it ain’t happenin.”  So, needless to say, I left. 

Ok, so I run a few more errands.  I call this dude that I met about 2 months ago at Wal-Mart.  I remember meeting him, but I could not remember what he looked like to save my life.  So I went to his house to see who he was.  We chilled outside for a little while talking and just shooting the shit.  He kept trying to get me to come inside and chill for a while…...  Hell naw! First, I don’t know you and it’s bad enough I’m outside of your house and yo ass could be a killer….but to come in that motha fucka?!!!!! Hell naw!!!! Second, I’m just fine sitting in your drive-way with you outside my window and having my car running.  Third, you cute and shit but that shit don’t mean a damn.  I didn’t say I wanna chill with you.  Forth, I just don’t wanna!  So, needless to say I sat in my car while he was outside talking to me.  Ok, so this kinda rubbed me the wrong way, but he asked me to take him up to the Chevron to go and get him something.  I said Ok because it was right up the street.  Now, it rubbed me the wrong way because I don’t like people asking me for shit.  I HATE to ask people for stuff and I don’t like being asked.  Now, that’s not to say that I won’t do for people.  I don’t mind helping people out at all.  But, my thing is, let me offer…..because if I know you in need and I don’t offer, that means that I don’t have it, so don’t even ask.  And, something that pisses me off is a grown ass man asking a woman for a damn thing.  Ok, well…other than that, we had a pretty decent conversation and when we came back, he asked me for a hug and kissed me on my cheek so he didn’t go too far that way.  So, I called him on the way home like he asked me to.  We talked and as I was getting out of the car, I told him that I would call him back when I got in the house and got settled.  Ok fine.  Then about 1 1/2 hours later, he calls me saying, “I thought you were going to call me back?!”  I was instantly like . Ok, if I tell you I’m going to call you back when I get settled and I don’t call you back, GOT DAMN IT, I AIN’T SETTLED!!!!!! So, I see now that this boy got issues.  This is why I don’t want a man.  Because I don’t want to have to answer to NO DAMN BODY right now.  I have to answer to God and He is enough right now.  Anyway, we went on talking and my sister was asking me something.  He said how he was giving me his undivided attention and he wanted me to do the same and not talk to anyone else while he was on the phone.  Ok, so that showed me that this motha fucka is controlling.  That cut his ass with me.  Any chance in hell he had of getting to know me better was now just shot to shit.  He got life fucked up thinking that he can control a got damned thing that goes on in my life.  Ok, so that chance went out the window but I thought that maybe we could still be friends.  Ok, so we talk on the phone until like 3 in the morning.  Nice conversation…..getting to know each other….just shooting the shit.  So, I get off the phone so that I can go to sleep.  Ok, so yesterday as I’m running some more errands….on my way home, I call him.  He asked me to take him to Auto Zone to get a battery so that he can try to fix his car.  Ok, first, I didn’t get a lot of sleep….second, it’s hot as west hell outside….third, I just spent all fucking day running around….fourth, I’m almost at my house and you want me to turn around and go all the way back out to East Point to get you so that you can get a battery?!!!!! Son, you better hop yo ass on the bus and call it a day. Then after I told him no, we still are on the phone.  This motha fucka had the audacity to ask me if he could spend the night at my house so that when his brother was coming tomorrow to pick him up to work on his car, his brother wouldn’t have to drive that far to get him.  Ok, so you want me to spend my time and gas to come and get you, bring you over my house, let you spend the night….so that your brother won’t have to drive that far.  What tha fuck?!!!!!  Ok, first, if I ain’t comin over your house to take you to get a battery, I ain’t comin to pick you up.  Second, yo ass ain’t knowin where I lay my fucking head every night.  Ain’t no way I’m letting you know where I live.  It’s only one person that knows where I live and that fool ain’t driving all that way from out of town on a hum-bug.  Third, even if I did let you come over, who tha fuck said you were spending the night?!!!!! Fourth, why the fuck would I put myself out and do something so that your brother can be closer to pickin you up.  Hell that fucka already in the car…..tell his ass to keep drivin to your house.  Needless to say, I am not talking to dude anymore. Too many favors needed too quick.  And, the fucka lost his mind thinking that I am controllable. I don’t mind doing for you, but shit….you gotta put in work with me first.  Fuck dat!!!!

Anyway, moving on.  Jae is fine.  She is 7 months pregnant now and she is realllly showing.  I don’t know why, but it is sooooo funny to me.  Every time I see her, I crack up!!!  Her nose is sooooooooo big right now.  She has the pregnant nose.  It has spread sooooooooo much.  She used to have my nose until she got pregnant.

This picture is fucking hilarious to me!!!!! You can see her belly really good, you can see her nose is wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide as hell, you can see on her face that she is just like, “I’m pregnant, it’s hot as hell, and I’m sick of you non-pregnant folks! And, this damn baby is working my last damn nerve and I’m going to sit here and just hold my stomach and I’m going to smile and try to act like I’m having fun anyway with this fake ass half smile.”  Lawd hammercy I ’bout died when I saw this picture because it was EXACTLY how I felt when I was pregnant with her so long ago during those hot ass Georgia months. 

See the shirt she has on?  That’s one of the shirts I made for us.  I took her and my family out for lunch for her graduation and hers said, the graduate and it was her face with a cap on, holding a diploma.  My shirt had “Mother of the Graduate” with a cap on it.  My mother’s had Grandmother of the Graduate, and both of my sisters had “Auntie of the Graduate”.  It was so nice and she felt sooooo special.  That’s my baby!  I love her sooooo much! 

Ok, now on to Beezie.  OH MY GOD!!!!  I don’t know what done crawled up in his butt, but I am loving me some him right now. Now, I know he is just trying to get in good with me because he really wants me to come home (live back with him).  And, it ain’t happenin.    But, I’m loving having him try. Ok, see Beezie is a man that is as sweet as pie to me.  But, his ass can be a fuckin crazed lunatic to other people.  I’ve seen that boy at times that I would be in fear of my life around him if I were them.  Anyway, on the other hand, to me and my daughter, he was so damn sweet.  He has a heart of gold, but if you fuck with him wrong, that gold turns to steel instantly.  We’ve been knowing each other for about 6 years now and I’ve only argued with him one time and that was only a few months ago.  So, when I used to see that steel heart towards other people I used to be like…..who tha hell is this person?!!!!  Anyway, he has been telling me some really sweet shit here lately.   We have been clowning on the phone laughing so hard I ’bout pee on myself.  Anyway, last night, we were on the phone talking for hours and before I got off the phone, I said that I missed him.  I have not seen him since Valentine’s Day.  Anyway, he said, “Do what I do when I am really missing you.”  I said “what is that?”  He said, “Do it now with me….look down……look to the left just a little bit…blow a kiss and say, hey baby!”  I said, “huh?”  He said, “Baby, you are always in my heart and I keep you there so that I won’t feel too far away from you.”  I said “That was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweet!!!”  He giggled and said, “I love you baby!  Now get off my phone!”  He has never been the one to say sweet romantic shit.  EVER!!! But, lately, he is just coming left and right with them.  I just don’t know what I’m going to do with him.  I swear every single time I am totally done with him and ready to write his ass out of my life, he goes and do some shit to make me not write him off.  No matter what, that’s my best friend for life and I’ma throw rice at his bride on his wedding day. 

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

What is all the different emotions about?  Well, it’s because I deserved a major gain, but I lost .6 pounds.  I don’t know why or how, but I truly appreciate it.  I mean with all the eating I’ve been doing, there is no way on God’s green Earth that I should have lost weight.  I mean I went to Wendy’s just 2 days ago and got a large sized triple burger combo and Sonic’s drive-thru has been my best friend lately.  Oh lawd, let’s not forget McDonald’s and Pizza Hut.  Now, ya feel me?  I should have gained weight, but instead I’ve lost.  So, I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth and although I don’t deserve it, I’ll take it.  Anyway, I said that I would take pictures of the read out.  Why?  I just want to.  Here is today’s…

Most folks would lose their minds if they saw that number.  But, me…..got damn it I’m damn proud.  I started this entire journey at around 575 and to be under 500 again is amazing!!!!!

You know with me being off track for a few weeks now.  Hell, let me be real.  I’ve been off track since I quit weighing in back in April when I said I wasn’t going to weigh in again until my birthday.  That was a damn excuse not to do right because I had “all the way” to my birthday to get right.  So, that was bullshit.  Now, I know when I did Weight Watchers the previous times, the weight was not coming off fast enough.  Never mind the fact that I really wasn’t working the program.  Anyway, I decided to go more strict on myself because if I’m not strict on me, then I won’t do it.

So, this is the new plan….with my weight, according to WW (Weight Watchers) I am supposed to have 34 points a day.  To me, that’s to much.  So, I did some calculating and around 2500 calories a day is around 27 points a day.  Well, I’m making myself stick to 26 points a day now.  Another thing is that I can’t eat past 10:00pm no mater what.  Not even so much as a grape. That’s all I’m doing now.  Now, in a month from yesterday (when I started) I will bring in exercise.  That will be strict too.  I will start off slow and build my way up.  But, it will be strict.  Every morning, (Monday – Saturday) I have to get up and walk around the church parking lot.  I don’t know how far it is, but it is about the size of a track.  Anyway, on Tuesday and Friday evenings I will have to get up and exercise on either the elliptical or the recumbent bike.  After 6 months of doing that, I have to join a gym.  Nothing major, just somewhere with a treadmill.  Then, my mission is to flirt with a cutie pie that is totally in shape and wants to be a trainer.  I will offer myself as an “advertisement”.  So, when I lose the weight, I promote that person.  I mean if your trainer came up to you and says, “My program made this woman go from 575 to 180 pounds.”….wouldn’t you want him to be your trainer?  Yep, I’m always taking the cheap way out.  Anyway, on the days that it may be raining in the morning, I have to either choose to do an exercise tape or get on the elliptical or bike.  Now, for the exercise, every 2 weeks I will add 1 lap around the church parking lot and 3 minutes on the bike or 1 minute on the elliptical.  I like this.  This way, I will still make progress and not push myself so much that I want to stop.  I’m starting off very easy on the exercise.  It’s the eating part that’s hard as hell.  But, I can do it.  I know I can.  Also, I am going to try very hard to not eat anything processed.  If it was not grown out of the ground or came off an animal, I’m going to try not to eat it.  Also, all eating out is out!  This is the hardest, but it will save me the most money, but I really don’t want to do it.  But, I don’t really need take out or drive thru anymore.  I mean shit….what am I more tired of….being this weight or not being able to go through a drive thru?  So, this it is.

To be honest, yesterday kicked a hole in my ass.  I was looking around for something to eat.  Was I hungry? No.  But, I wanted something to eat.  Then when 10:00 rolled around and I looked at the clock like .  Just like tonight.  I was supposed to eat some cherries and I got involved into the show Hell’s Kitchen.  Then when I looked at the clock, it said 10:01.  I was like . Then I was instantly like . I am sitting up here on the computer at 12 o’fucking clock and I reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy want to go in there and get that damn bag of cherries, a turkey wrap and a glass of orange juice. But, I’m not.  As soon as I finish this, I’m carrying my ass to bed so I won’t even be tempted.

I have a lot to catch up on, but I’m going to have to do that tomorrow because I’m going to bed ’cause I done went and hurt my feelings even talking about it.

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was truly a rough day for me.  As the day went on, I began to have a pity party.  That pity party escalated to enormous proportions.  I cried and cried all day long.  My eyes are swollen now from crying all day.  I’ve suffered from depression for years now, but for about the last year and a half, I pretty much kept it under control, with the help of God.  But, yesterday, I don’t know where it came from, but it came major!  I’m not proud that it came, but what I am proud about is how I handled it.  Yes, I cried all day, but normally, I would have ate and ate and ate until I couldn’t breathe right.  Well, yesterday I didn’t.  I reached out to people….something that I really never do.  I tried to post to my regular support board and actually posted to a support board that I was visiting.  It was really such a help that I made that “mistake”.  Then, I posted to my regular support board.  Then, I posted to my 360 blog on yahoo.  All of which helped me out so much.  This is what I posted:

Could you forgive someone that….

….was engaged to a man that later molested her daughter?
….was secretly very upset because that one thing took him from her?
….felt like it was her mission to forgive him?
….never wanted to be with him but wanted to spiritually be there for him?
….took her daughter out of counseling for it because she told her “Ma, I can sit and talk to you. I don’t need it.”?
….blamed her daughter for acting out afterwards?
….wanted to give up on life and take her own?
….tasted her own molester’s lips until the day he died?
….wanted to be loved so bad by someone that she allowed herself to be emotionally abused?
….looked for love where she knew it wasn’t?
….got pregnant at 16?
….felt as though she was the black sheep of the family from that point on?
….always felt alone?
….has so much talent til it was crazy and never used it?
….never felt like she was worth it?

Could you forgive this person?

That’s it…nothing more…nothing less.  I didn’t explain why I posted it.  I didn’t explain who this person was.  I didn’t explain anything. I just wanted to see if people out there could forgive that person and why so that if I see some reasons why that actually made sense, then maybe…just maybe…I could begin to forgive myself.

I got so many responses.  Each and every one of them helped me for different reasons.  But, these helped me the most.

So, because of that last post…..this is what I said to myself:

I’ve said a lot today, but I just wanted to go more in depth about what was going on.  I thank each and every person that posted to me and those that didn’t post, but may have said a silent prayer, or were just concerned about me.  THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!! You don’t know how much this helped yesterday.  Some of them made me feel like I wasn’t alone….some made me realize that no matter what, God was with me……some made me really think I was worth it….some made me come out swinging.  Each helped me in different ways….but each and every one of them helped me.  THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! And, I am so thankful that He made me reach out and post instead of going to eat my troubles away.  Thank you so much y’all!!!!  Now I must go and conquer the day!

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

I don’t know how to explain today.  I’m just in a really blah mood, but at the same time, I’m optimistic.  I can’t explain it.  I haven’t been back from Indiana too long.  My Uncle Bobby’s funeral was really hard.  I must admit, I was not that close to him, but my mother and sisters were.  I was too young when my Aunt Kathleen passed.  I really don’t remember her.  But, Uncle Bobby was her husband.  My cousin, Adrienne….their daughter, has been close to my immediate family forever and I mainly went up there as a support for her.  She has always been there for us and I could not see myself not being there for her.

Anyway, I ate everything in site.  It was just a really somber time and me, being a very emotional eater, I ate everything I could get my hands on.  It was a long 10 hour drive that me and my oldest sister took and we ate everything wrong the whole way there.  I continued to eat wrong when I was there and on the way back.  It was not until last night that I laid in my bed crying because I knew that yet again, I had let my addiction take control of me.  I said that when I woke up, it was back on track for me.  So far today, it has been good.  My eating has been good and I’ve been up and moving around.  I don’t know why, but before I went home, I used to stay up until sometimes four in the morning and sleep until eleven.  Now, ever since the trip, I have been going to bed early.  Like last night I was in the bed sleep by 11:30.  But, it felt good to get up at 7:30 this morning and actually start my day.  I got up, washed clothes 3 loads of clothes, vacuumed out my car, cleaned out my trunk, vacuumed my trunk, detailed the inside of my car and got all my eBay auctions ready to send out….all before 11:00.  I also decided to create my own plan of weight loss.  I’m tired of counting points.  I know that it will probably take longer to lose the weight, but I want to do it in a way that I can live with for the rest of my life.  I’m not 100% sure about that part yet, but it’s a thought.

I feel productive today….that’s my optimism.  Now, for the blah.  I took some pictures while I was at home and I just loaded them onto  my computer and I just didn’t like the way I looked.  So, I instantly went into a funk.  But, I’m working on that.  Now, I have to go and get everything done that I wanted to finish today.  I have a long to do list and updating here was one of them.  Now I can check it off. 

Until later….

Dear Diary,

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

You know what?  Today started out so messed up.  It’s this guy that I spoke with a few times tried to steal my yahoo account.  Luckily I caught it in time and he was not able to.  I sent out a mass message to everyone on my yahoo friends list.  If you did not get it and you are on my list, please check your settings and make sure everything is ok.  I don’t want stuff to happen to anyone else just because of me not wanting to talk to some man.  So, please check your yahoo.

Anyway, I have been majorly stressed out.  The world just came crashing down on my shoulders the other day.  It instantly sent me into what we call a “washing cycle”.  Me and Beezie made up washing cycle because basically, that’s what it is.  A washing cycle…..you fill up your tank with water (hurt….tears), you throw in some soap (knowledge of what’s right and wrong), you agitate (piss yourself off about how you didn’t do what you knew you were supposed to do), you spin (twirl around ideas and figure out EXACTLY what you did wrong), you rinse (let go of the hurt and decide what it is you have to do to prevent it from happening again), add fabric softener (understanding that you did what you thought was best at that time no matter how messed up it was), spin again (shake it off, pray about it and let to go down the drain).  Now, it may seem easy, but the it is so hard because I beat myself up so bad.  I really take myself through the ringer and sometimes, the hardest part is the filling up the tank to begin with.

Ok, now, I took myself though the washing cycle about my life.  I am truly not where I want to be in life.  I have so far to go till it’s ridiculous.  But, you know what, I’m getting there.  I have come so far ’til it’s crazy.  I was severely depressed after my ex molested my daughter.  I mean to the point where I did not get out of the bed for days.  If it were not for eating and peeing, I wouldn’t have got out at all.  I would just lay in my bed and cry.  I remember one time I cried so hard and for so long, my eyes were raw.  I literally had scabs around them from the tears.  I used to look at myself in the mirror and call myself a loser and told myself that I would never be anything.  I attempted suicide twice.  I thought about it on a hourly basis.  These last 6 years have not been easy at all.  But, I’m making progress.  And, you know what, for that I’m thankful.  God didn’t let me die when I tried to commit suicide.  He has plans for me.  And, I found out that I almost died when I was a baby.  I was born with diarrhea and I was so dehydrated that they did not think I would make it through the night.  He didn’t let me die then either.  I’m a walking testament.  You know, when I was really into the church my pastor used to tell me that I could not testify if I didn’t go through anything and my thought was, “Well He must want me to TESTIFY for real!!!!”  Because with all the stuff I’ve been through, I swear that I could write a book on testimonies.  But, you know what I’m thankful for that.

Anyway, I watch Starting Over all the time and Iyanla hits me over my head all the time.  I am going to start a Starting Over page here so that I can share how I’m working on making myself better and maybe….just maybe….it will help someone else.

Ok, back to what I was saying….I ramble so much.  Anyway, I started out today mad as hell at old dude for messing with my account.  Then, it became funny later on after I cleaned up to burn off some steam.  But, while I was blowing off steam, I took myself through the washing cycle and I stopped and thought about a lot of stuff.  I had a conference that I had the opportunity to go to next week and show off the jewelry that I have made and possibly someone buy it.  I have been breaking my back trying to get the site up and running so that I will be ready for it.  But, you know what, I had to finally admit to myself that I am not superwoman and I am just not going to be ready for it.  It was the hardest thing for me to accept.  I pride myself on excelling at every single thing I do.  And, for me to admit that I am just not ready is HUGE!!!  My pride alone would not let me do that before.  I swear I can do everything and still be there for myself and everyone else.  It’s not that I don’t like saying no because I am quick to say no to folks.  But, I just can’t tell myself that.  That’s the hard part.  Anyway, I decided on a few things…..I can’t do this conference….it’s just not possible….I need to sell one of my embroidery machines….I need to sell some of my fabric….I need to get shit listed on eBay ASAP….I need to sell some of my embroidery designs…I need to just start off with charms and then move myself up with the jewelry….I need to sell all my jewelry supplies except for the baby stuff….I need to sell all this stuff to “de-clutter” my life…I need to go to my storage unit and go through all that bullshit and get rid of a lot of it…I need to stay on the ball with my weight loss…I need to get my credit back on track…I need to MAJORLY prioritize my life.  So, that’s my mission.  It’s a lot but I’ve got to do it.  I HAVE to.  I have a granddaughter on the way and I can’t let her see her g-ma not having herself together.  I need to be an example for my daughter, my g-baby, my family….and MOST important myself.  I am just so thankful that I have another chance.  Thank you God!!!

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary

Ok, so I haven’t posted in a minute, and so much has happened too.  I’ve been on plan (OP) but I have not been journaling.  But, I’m back at it now because even though I feel like I’m OP, I don’t know for an absolute fact.  But, I feel like I have.  I thought I went way over my points yesterday with the 4 pieces of cornbread with margarine, but when I just journaled it, I found out that I was still within them.  Anyway, I’m back at it.  I’ve just been so busy that it is crazy.  I’ve been working on my site for the t’s and that has pretty much taken all my time other than working on the awards for my support board.  So, I have got to learn better time management skills because I’m like this. 

Ok, but on to why I don’t feel worthy right now…(truly blessed).  I am working on myself….everyone knows this.  Well, in addition to that, I still have a lot to work on with my relationship with my daughter.  We sat up for 3 hours on the phone the night before last talking about any and everything under the sun.  We got a lot of stuff straight.  We discussed things that were never discussed before.  The part that fucked me up was her telling me that she was molested by 2 people and not just one like I thought.  I didn’t know what to do.  And, it was by an ex-boyfriend of mine.  I instantly wanted to kill that fucker!!! But, my first concern was her.  It was years ago and it was right before he left the house.  So ever since that time, she felt like she was the one that made him leave.  So, she felt like she made the first one go to jail and then she made this one leave.  So, I had to ensure that she did not make him leave and I made him leave because I wanted to be with Beezie.  I had to prove that to her to hope that she will understand that she had nothing to do with it.  Well, I did prove it to her.  But, I am still fucked up about it and will probably be for quite some time.  After all that, she told me that at first, she did blame me for the first one but now she saw that he was the only one to blame and she no longer blamed me.  She said that she felt like I should have known that he was sick and not been with him but though the counseling she’s getting, she finally realized that if I knew he was going to do that, I would not have had him in my life.  And, she is so right.  And, the funny part is I said those exact words a few days earlier trying to forgive myself.  So that made me feel so much better because feeling like she forgave me makes me have some hope that I can forgive myself.  So, I can see some hope in that.  That is something that I have not felt in such a long time.  And, for that, I am so very thankful.

I thought about not posting this.  I thought about keeping it to myself.  But, here’s the thing.  I don’t believe in secrets anymore.  They are just hurts waiting to come.  So, I don’t do them.  But, when I was going through everything in my life, the only thing I wanted was to feel like someone else felt what I was feeling.  I felt so alone.  And, I would hate for anyone else to feel like that.  I take so much pride in the fact that my daughter was comfortable enough to even tell me anything about it.  Please talk to your daughters!  When I found out about her, I told her about me being molested.  I then found out that my entire family….mother and all 3 sisters had been molested too….also my pastor.  I had no idea all this went on.  But, this is the thing.  It went on because of secrets.  The fact that no one told….allowed it to fester.   I hate secrets now.  I won’t keep them to save my life now.  I am an open book.  I can’t go on allowing stuff like this to happen.  It needs to stop.  Talk to your daughters…and sons.  One thing that she told me that helped her come to me was me telling her that I didn’t care if she felt like I or even Ma-Mu (her grandmother) touched her in a wrong way…..tell another adult.  So, I put myself on the chopping block also.  I was trying to tell her that no matter who it was, tell someone!  And, I am so very thankful for that!!!  I can not tell you how much that means to me.

Don’t have secrets.  If you have them, tell them now.  Clean out your closets….get all the skeletons out.  They are nothing but sheer evil.  If you can’t do or say something to your loved one in front of them, then don’t do it at all.

I know I’m rambling, but my mind is going a mile a minute.  I really hope I said what I was feeling.  So, my point…….talk to your children about molestation….any molestation….don’t let your family to go through what me and my daughter did.  We have a long road in front of us.  But, we are walking it step by step.  Stop your’s before it goes too far.

I am truly blessed for my daughter.  No matter what we go through….we are beginning to snap back.  And, God is good for that.

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

Ok, I don’t get crazy of the way men look physically.  Normally, I’m like….ok, yeah he’s sexy or cute or whatever description flies out of my mouth.  But, for the most part, I’m like .  But, it is two men on the face of this Earth that I’m always like over.  And, I’m not going to talk about them, just show you.

I really wanna kiss him on the hip bone….right above where his boxer briefs start.  You could not find a more perfect specimen of a man.  My God, this man is perfection to me.  I mean, he has the color, the bald head, the strong facial features, the body is not too big, he dresses just  the way I like men to dress and this boy can sang his ass off!!!!!!!!! I probably would just pass out if I met him.  He would be like “hi, I’m  Tyrese.”  I would be like….….and wouldn’t say a word.  Now you wanna know how bad I got it for him?  This man is my screen saver.   Yep, I got photos of him sliding across my page when my screen save comes up.  And, guess who’s on my desktop?

Yep, I know it’s sad, but I put him on my desktop last night.  I can look at that fineness all day now.  And even when I put him on there late last night, I didn’t want to get off the computer.  I think I’ve lost it.  But you know what?  Even though I feel this way about him, he still couldn’t get it.  Not without me loving him.  Fuck dat!!!!  But, you wanna know who could get it?  I mean I would be like Comcast on this motha fucka!  on demand…..

PRINCE!!!!  This man can get it anytime he wanted.  All he would have to do was walk in the door and I would say nothing, stand up, get butt booty naked, get out a condom, lay down and spread eagle.  This is the ONLY man with eyeliner, permed hair, tight clothes, and high heels that could still get it on demand.   Lawd help me, it’s gonna be a moist day. 

Until later….

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

Why do I do this to myself?  I go from one extreme to the other.  Either I’m full force towards it with no stopping in site, or I have a major fuck it attitude.  Well today is no different.  I’m sitting here at my computer on my support board and I can not stop crying.  See, I know that I am not at a good place in my life right now.  I have so much on my plate.  I’m working on designs for my t-shirt company, I’m working on the site for my t-shirt company, I’m working on designs for my jewelry company, I’m working on the site for my jewelry company, I’m organizing awards for my support board, I’m still unpacking from my move, I still have people coming over for alterations in their clothing, I am trying to mentally prepare for my grandchild that will be here in September, and I still have a lot of stuff that I need to list on eBay.

I do this to myself all the time.  I take on so much and then it gets overwhelming and I crack and say fuck everything.  I don’t want to get to that stage.  And, the most important part of everything is that I am so full force on is my weight loss.  See, when I was doing it before, I lost 100 pounds.  It was hard, but I did it.  Then I stopped concentrating on it.  Now, I’ve gained every single ounce of it back.  I’m back at my journey and I’m losing again.  But, it took me forever to get back on track.  And, now that I’m back on track, I can’t find a middle ground.  I’m sitting her now….I have not eaten in 13 hours and I am not hungry.  That is not healthy.  This is in NO WAY healthy.  I should be eating something at least every 3 hours.  And, if I strictly go by that, I have missed 4 meals.  And, that is NOT healthy.  The sad part is, I don’t want to eat.  I’m sitting here with the attitude like I know I’ve got to eat so I’m going to eat a pickle.  That’s truly not good.  But, after I post this, I am going to go and eat some cereal if nothing else. But, the switch in my mind has been switched from “eat everything” (when I couldn’t get back on track) to “eat nothing”.  Neither one is good.  I have got to learn how to find a middle ground, because this pity party I’m having is no good.

Being addicted to food is a bitch!!!  I keep thinking that if I was addicted to something that I didn’t need everyday to survive, it would be so much easier.  Not that I want to be addicted to crack….but if I were, then I could just stay out of the crack house.  But, with food, you need it to live….you have to be around it.  But, today…even though it’s Easter, I’m not going over  my mother’s house.  Everyone is getting together for dinner and I am not going because I know of all the unhealthy stuff that will be over there.  And, to tell me to go and just not eat it is like telling a cocaine addict to not snort that kilo that’s sitting in front of his face already cut in lines…or telling that alcoholic to not drink any alcohol after you lock him alone in a freaking liquor store….it just ain’t happening.

I’m really in a fucked up place right now and I have got to get out if.

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

I am so thru with myself right now it’s ridiculous.  I mean how much can I really expect people to be honest with me and I’m not being honest to myself.  I mean I have a whole lot of skeletons in my closet and yet I expect people to come to me drama free.  I have a lot of shit going on inside me and I am trying so hard to work them out so that the next relationship I get in…if I get in one…will be truly healthy.  I don’t mean no ghetto love healthy, but really and truly healthy.  I want us to come to the table free and clear of all baggage.  So, as of today, I’m dropping my baggage at the door.  No more will I be held captive within myself for some bullshit that I am scared of getting out in the world.  I’m sweeping out all the bones and debris and making a clean slate to start with.

I watch every Starting Over show that comes on.   It’s a wonder reality show that has 6 women living in one house and they have what’s called Life Coaches.  Each one comes with something that they want to change about themselves and I am no exception.  I want to go on there so bad, but I know how my mother is and I would hate to “air our laundry” on national tv.  It’s nothing bad to me because I use it as therapy and I feel that if I share my story then, maybe someone will not feel as alone and maybe they can be helped.  So that’s what I do with Starting Over.  I take each and every exercise that they (the life coaches….Rhonda, Iyanla, and Dr. Stan) give the ladies and if it pertains to my life in any way, I do it.  Now, normally, I’m crying every single day I watch it because to me, it’s helping me realize a lot about myself and little by little, I love me more and more.

Anyway, that brought on this post.  I am a very confident woman for the most part, but there are some things that I am extremely insecure about.  And, I’m insecure about them because I just don’t want anyone to know about them and I keep them to myself because I’m terrified that someone will find out.  But, if I put it out there, I’m taking away the power it has over me and giving myself back the power.  And, if I can help someone know that they are not alone in this fight called life, that just makes it all the better.  So, I’m putting all my skeletons out here today so that I will have nothing more to hide ever!  I don’t know how I could possibly be more honest with myself.  So….here goes…..

1. I lost my virginity at 15.
2. I got pregnant the second time I had sex.
3. I have been raped twice…once at 15 and once at 17.
4. I was going to initially give my daughter up for adoption….the papers were signed before she was born.
5. I was not supposed to see her after I had her, but the hospital messed up and let me see her and I instantly fell in love with her and there was no way possible I could give her away.
6. I always seem to look for love in men.
7. I didn’t feel love from my family until like a year ago.  Now, I KNOW they love me.
8. I used to get into emotionally abusive relationships even though I knew they were not good for me…simply because I wanted a man.
9. I was molested at the age of 6 by my then next door neighbor.
10. I could still taste his mouth until he died about 8 years ago.  (THANK YOU GOD FOR TAKING THAT MEMORY FROM ME!!!)
11. I have always considered myself as a failure until about 2 years ago.
12. Sometimes that failure mentality still sneaks up just not as often.
13. I suffered from a severe bout of depression for about 4 years.
14. My 2nd fiancé molested my daughter.
15. I have blamed myself for this because I feel like if I had never met him, she wouldn’t have been. (I am currently working on stopping this.)
16. I am not as close with my daughter as I was before she was molested.  (She saw the rawest side of me because my depression started when he molested her and she basically had to take on the mother roll.  I hold an assload of guilt from that, that I am still working on.)
17. I am so “anti-sex” because after I got raped the second time, I went on a pretty much “free-for-all”.  I was never really loose, but I didn’t have to be in love with you to have sex with you.  Now, ain’t no way in shit I’m laying down with you unless we are damn near married.
18. I tend to fall for the wrong men.  (I’m stopping that here and now!)
19. I’m somewhat shallow.  Ok, maybe more than even I realize…but for me to date you, I have to be attracted to you in some kind of way.  I’m not saying that you have to be hella cute, but at least let me be attracted to you in some way, even if it’s just your eyebrows.
20. I allowed Bat too much control over me and my mind.
21. I allowed my mother too much control over me and my mind.
22. I don’t always know what’s good for me even though I can have it sitting right in my face.
23. I used to put myself last after everyone else in my life.
24. My daughter is pregnant and I’m not totally accepting of it.  I’m beginning to be more accepting because I guess I’m just getting used to the idea.
25. I have a lot of guilt that I had my daughter too early in life to teach her the correct way to be.  (I’m doing my best to show her now.)
26. I feel like to look like I do is somewhat a curse.  See, when people find you attractive or “very attractive” however they phrase it….they tend to think of you as only the physical.  I don’t like that.  I want people to get to know the real me…..not the chat me….not the fake ass arrogant me….the REAL me.  Not too many people know that me.  Actually only one person knows that me.
27. I do like it sometimes though because of the attention.
28. I do not like my size.
29. I do want to lose weight. (not a secret)
30. I have thought about suicide too many times to name.
31. I have attempted suicide twice….once when I was pregnant….and once about 5 years ago.
32. The first time, I took a lot of pills….the second time, I tried slitting my wrists (I was still severely depressed at this time)
33. I didn’t spend as much time with my grandmother before she passed because I was not used to seeing this STRONG woman so sick.  I just couldn’t handle it.  That kills me that I lost that precious time.

Now, my closet it clean. I sat here and just typed.  I don’t know of any other skeleton in my closet right now.  If I figure one out, then I will put it out there.

I’m just tired of hiding.  And, if I come out of hiding….maybe….just maybe….I’ll see the real me and I can get totally healthy.

Until later….