Dear Diary,

Guess what!!!!! Fifteen pounds gone in 2 weeks!!!! Yep, 15!!!!!!  Hot diggity damn 15 gone!!!!! Y’all know my head is floating in the clouds.  And you may wonder what I am doing, but all I did was not eat fried foods and only eating whole foods, nothing processed!  Ok, wait, one day in these two weeks I went to Church’s chicken and lost my mind, but this is what I said….I’m only weighing in one day every two weeks because once a week just about drove me crazy last time.  And, this will be on every other Friday.  Well, on the Friday in between, I am allowing some “free time”.  For one meal on that Friday I eat whatever I want…how ever much I want.  Just one meal…one day….every 2 weeks.  I thinks that’s fair.  That way, I wont deprive myself of anything and I can still feel like I’m doing the damn thang!!!! Now, have ya been wondering why I have not been here?  Well that’s because I work TOO DAMN MUCH!!!!  I work 12 hours a day Mon.-Fri. and 10 hours on Saturday.  Somebody pray for me and tell somebody to gimmie some money so I can work regular again.  Ok, enough of that…..

I’m working on my business plan that is due Friday.  I gotta finish that, then I can work on this some more.  So, being totally honest, I probably wont post again until the weekend.  I’ll be working on the site too then because someone is spamming the hell out of me and I’m tired of it.  So, I gotta work on the site.  Anyway, I have to get back to my business plan.  If you can help, email me dammit!

Dear Diary,

My God, you would not believe my life now.  I don’t even have time to pee anymore.  I don’t know if I told you before, but I’m working midnights now.  Well, not actually at midnight….I go to work at 2:00am.    I get off at 8:30am M-F but then I have to be back at work at 9:00am on Saturday.

Now, in addition to this, I’m taking Entrepreneur classes at Goodwill…so I also have home work.  Now, in addition to all of this, I’m really working hard to get my businesses going.    Can someone please put about 6 more hours in the day for me?  Can you please talk to God and ask Him for me?  He told me no but someone may have better luck. 

By the way, if you have a Goodwill by you and you want your own business, please take advantage of the Business Now course.  It is absolutely wonderful!!!!!  I’m learning so much from the instructors.  They not only help you start your business, but they teach you how to balance your business with your life.  It’s a wonderful program.  It’s well worth the $125 it costs here.

Anyway, I need to change so much stuff.  It’s a trip too because with gas prices the way they are, I act like I’m homeless.  When I leave Goodwill, I don’t see the point of passing by my job, going 20 further south to my house, going to sleep for 3 hours, waking up, getting ready, and then going to work.  So, I take my butt to work and sleep in the parking lot.  I keep my blanket in my back seat.  It’s funny too because I don’t have a lot of time to sleep anyway and then the federal police officers will knock on my window to make sure I’m ok.  I be like “I was ok sleep till yo ass woke me da hell up!”  Then they leave me alone.  And, if you EVER think you want to work for the Federal Reserve Bank, think twice.  I’m not going into more detail….because even though I don’t like it, it’s paying the bills and I want to keep my job. 

Ok, moving on….on the weight loss side, I’m doing horrible.  I need my ass kicked, but hey, I did it and I admit it.  I haven’t eaten right in so long.  I mean…its so much easier to stop and grab some fast food instead of coming home, losing sleep while cooking.  It’s so much easier.  But, I’ve known for a long time that easier is never better.  Anything worth having is worth doing right.  So, beat me!!!  I really need to do this.  I must do this.  I’ve got on track with most of everything else in my life…..so I must do this too.  Pray for me.  I’m going to weigh in on Monday, so that I can start a new.  I know I’ve gained all my weight back if not more….but I’ve got to start over.

Well, I’ve got to go get to work on my business….so I promise I will post ever chance I get.  It might not be everyday, but I’m going to try to at least 3 times a week.  Y’all gotta motivate me ok?

Dear Diary,

Well I just woke up and got some bad news.  My mother has problems with her knees and Diane called me to tell me that she was at home because at physical therapy she did something to her knee and now she can’t walk. She is going to the orthopedic doctor at 12:30 to see what the deal is.  We are praying that it is just muscle spasms.  That way, a few injections and she’s all better after a few hours.  Will y’all please pray for my mother.  She not too good.  And, you know if she ain’t too good, I’m not gonna be worth a hot damn.

I’m supposed to go weigh in today, but I’m not sure if I’m gonna make it.  I have so much stuff to do.  I’ve got to do a butt load of errands.  If I don’t weigh in today, I surely will tomorrow.  Either way, I’ll post.  I know I haven’t posted what it was last week, but I will right after I finish this.  Brace yourself….I’ve gained a lot of it back. 

Guess what I was doing all day yesterday.    I was getting one of my businesses off the ground.  See, I have this baby thing going on.  I love making clothes.  I’ve been making them since I was about 6.  Now, granted, I was hand sewing and my Barbie doll had hella clothes that I made, but damn it, I made them.  Then, I started to alter my own clothing later on.  My aunt Ruthie used to call me Ms. Tailor.  Anyway, later on in life, I went to school for it and I got my degree in Fashion Design.  I’ve known I wanted to do it for my career.  But, for the last like….3 years, I’ve been concentrating on baby clothing.  So, I’ve decided to do two businesses.  The first one is called Angel Hearts.  Angels Hearts is where I make heirloom quality specialty custom clothing.  I know some of y’all are like… what the hell is that.  Well, let me tell you.  You know the christening gowns you buy….or the hand made crochet blankets….or the custom made one of a kind layettes….like that.  The kind that will cost you a fortune to buy?  Yep them.  Those are for what I call my la-di-da clients.  Because folks that won’t spend at least $175 for their baby items, this one is not for you.  Why so much?….because I know my talents and my skills and I’m not the one to make those type of articles and sell them in Wal-Mart. I don’t chump myself off like that.  That’s the quality and that’s what I charge.  Ok, now for all y’all Wal-Mart folks (like me), I also do baby clothing like bibs, t-shirts, onesies and stuff like that.  Did you notice I said “do” and not make?  Well let me tell you that one.  See, by the time I actually make the articles of clothing, you would have to pay so much for them that you would look at me like I’m crazy and say, “I’m not paying that much for no damn t-shirt!”  Then I would look at you and call you a cheap punk!  So, to prevent all that, I’ve started to do “alternative baby items”.  I don’t like all the little cutesie little baby clothes.  So, this is baby clothing with an edge.  I have like 500 designs, but yesterday I put up a few of them ready to sell.  I found this wonderful company that has them wholesale and will handle everything for me.  All I do is just provide the design.   That way, I don’t have to keep alot of inventory and I don’t have to hand do them myself.  Thus, the cheaper prices.  Although it’s not really up and running yet, I do have a few designs on it.  They are funny as hell to me.  They might offend some people, so if you are sensitive like that, then don’t go look.  Wait, if you are sensitive like that, why the hell are you here? By the way, this whole site will be getting an overhaul soon.

Dear Diary,

Well….well….well…..I finally got my ass back here.  I’ve been a baaaad girl for not posting.  A lot of stuff has gone on, so let me get started.  This might be a long one.

I’ve been so very busy.  So very, very busy and I haven’t had time to breathe.  But, I’ve got to catch up on Jae, Beezie, my family, the move, my sex life, coming clean with someone special, my weight loss, my new found handman-ness, my new businesses and my new outlook all together.

Jae – doing so well, she’ll be finished with school very soon and I will have a high school graduate on my hands!  She’s working (a real job) and really doing good.  Prayer changes things!  God is so good!!!!

Beezie – well, he’s still Beezie.  That will forever be my baby.  I will love that man with every ounce of my being until the day I die.  He is a major work in progress, but I know for a fact, he will make it in everything he wants to do.  We totally don’t work as mates, but as a best friend….you couldn’t ask for a better one. But, he’s good and he’s working on making himself better.

my family – Oh my God…..I didn’t know that I was gonna grow closer to my family in all this chaos that is my life.  I actually enjoy spending time with them now.  The other day…..Ma, Diane, Donna and me were sitting at Donna’s house watching TV.  She just got a new huge sectional and it was like we were at the movies.  We were just chillin’.  That was the tripped out part about it.  All of us chillin’?….including me?  See, there is a God.  Licia and my nephew went home to Gary for her class reunion, so they weren’t there.  But, the rest of us had a good time.  I am actually growing closer to my mother.  She is beginning to talk “to” me and not “at” me.  Maybe she realizes that even though I might not act like it all the time….I am an adult.  She made a mistake and let something positive and inspiring slip out about me.  I was like “Did my mother just say something good about me?!!!”  I swear when she does that, I feel like I can conquer the world.  And then, the other day, Licia called me about man advice.  Y’all just don’t know how good this makes me feel to be growing closer to the family I felt so alienated from all my life. 

the move – well I’m finally in my house.  I don’t know if you all knew this….probably not because I kept is so secret, but I used to live in the “hood”.  Yep, ya girl was in the ghetto.  And you know the messed up part of it?  I don’t know why.  Well….now that I think about it, I do know why.  Me and Beezie hit a hard patch and we had to go there.  So, that’s a lie.  I do know why.  But, that doesn’t matter now.  We are in our house.  And, it’s in a good quiet neighborhood.  It was so nice to wake up to birds chirping instead of folks cussin folks out.  It’s so nice.  We have 3 bedrooms and a den that I converted into my office. I love it.  I absolutely love it.  I’m back in my element and out of the damn ghetto.  Now, with a better place to live, my outlook is a whole lot better.  It literally took me a month to unpack.  I mean a month of doing it for about 10 hours a day….everyday.  I never knew I had so much junk.  Needless to say, Goodwill, The Salvation Army and The Kidney Fund now has a lot of stuff.  I didn’t even feel like getting on eBay with everything.  I probably could have made a killing with all of the stuff, but I just didn’t feel like being bothered and just gave everything away.  And, I’m sure they will put it to good use.

my sex life – or lack thereof…. I was on the phone with Bobby the other night.  Oh yeah, Bobby is my long distance friend.  Anyway, I was on the phone with him and I was looking at a video that me and Beezie made.  Anyway, I made the decision right then that I was going to be totally celibate.  I mean not even masturbate.   I mean I can deal with not having sex with men, but not doing myself is going to drive me insane.  I might spontaneously combust.  Anyway, while I was looking at it, I thought to myself…..”what was the point?”  We were not a couple anymore at the time so, it was just feeding a purely physical need.  I needed some and there was no way in hell I would have laid down with anyone else, so Beezie it was.  Anyhow….I want to see how I can get along without anything sexual all together.  I mean, if I can put the energy and effort of having sex into making myself a better person, think of how much better I could be.  I mean I could be greater than I ever thought possible.  I’ve always been what men call “stingy” with the poonanny because they couldn’t get it…..so that won’t make a difference.  I wouldn’t have sex with anyone else anyway, because I’m not in love with anyone else.  So, I wanna see how this will affect me and Beezie, if at all.  And, I wonder how this will affect a new mate if I choose to settle down with someone new.

my new found handyman-ness – now who would have thought that I was a handyman?    Since we’ve moved into the house, I’ve lost my mind.  I’ve built a step stool.  Speaking of step stool…..I was searching around the web for one and why do all of them stop at 300 lb. capacity?  Hell, I passed 300 lbs. 200 pounds ago.  So, I went to Home Depot and bought me some wood, a jigsaw, some screws and a drill.  You should have seen me sawing the wood.  It came out pretty good too.  I can stand on that thing forever.  It’s super sturdy!  Hell, probably two of me can stand on it.  I did a good job if I do say so myself.  Then, once I saw that I could do that, I made a window seat and some storage shelves with a cutting table on top.    All I can say is HGTV and DIY are my favorite channels!!!  Yeah!!!!  Next, I want to refinish my dining room table and tile my countertops.  (they are laminate)  And, I also want to re-tile my bathroom.  Then, I want to decorate my entire house.  I will keep y’all posted and put some pictures up when I do them.  I’ll add the ones I did already when I get a chance to soon.  And, y’all should have seen me today.  I was Ms. Fix-it for real.  I had a slight leak under my sink.  I was like hell, I can fix it.    So, I started taking stuff apart.  All the pipes were apart and on the sink.  I had to get under the sink to put it all back together after I fixed the leak because it wasn’t going along to good at first.  I mean for a minute I had Niagara Falls.  So, yep, my big butt got under the sink. That shit hurt too.  The edge of the counter bottom is hard as hell.    Anyway, I fixed it.  Yep, I fixed my own leak.  And a plumber probably would have cost $100 for the same simple thing.  Ma always said she will either fix it or mess it up so bad that it can’t be fixed. So, I got that gene from her.  

my new businesses – I’m taking on two new ventures.  The first is Angel Hearts….that is custom heirloom quality baby clothing.  I’ll be making stuff like Christening gowns, layettes, and stuff that certainly be heirlooms.  And, I have an idea for alternative baby clothing.  I can’t tell the name for that yet because it’s not copyrighted yet and I don’t want my stuff to be stolen. So, I’ll get back into that later.

now….the weight loss – well, I’ve gained quite a bit back. But, you know, such is life.  I know I’ve done it to myself.  I’ve been eating out of  my mind.  With everything else going on, I just didn’t care for a while.  I know I’ve been having a hard time getting back on track before and starting over and over and over, but hopefully, this time will be the push that I needed.  I’ve gotten a little addicted to it again and that’s what I need.  I’ve been watching all my weight loss shows, I’ve been going back on weightwatchers.com (lurking for the last week) and I’ve applied to renew my membership with my other weight loss board on ezboard.  Hopefully, they will have me back.    It seems to be doing good though.  Like tonight.  I was super hungry.  I looked around the kitchen and I didn’t really want to eat so late, so I grabbed a salad with the dressing on the side and a small cup of tea.  The salad is on the side so that I could dip my fork in it before I put the lettuce or tomato on it.  It’s a little trick to use less dressing, but it really works.  And, you can actually taste the lettuce.  If you are like me, you like to drown your food in dressing.  That’s not good, so I did it this way.

Anyway, my fingers are starting to cramp and I’m tired of typing and I’m sure you are tired of reading, so I’m going to stop now.  I hope I’ve caught up on everything and I hope to post again very soon.  And, I pray everything is well with everyone.

Thanks so much for all of the concerning emails while I was gone.  You all don’t know how much y’all help me.  I just pray that I will use this medium for support like I used to.  I really miss y’all!!!

Oh yeah, I’ve been spammed out of my brain on this site.  So, if y’all see posts from people with links in them, please don’t click on them.  I don’t know why they are doing it, but just be super careful!  And, I will be changing things up a little, so you might have trouble getting into some things in the future.  Just bare with me.  I’ve got so much going on.

Until later…

Dear Diary,

This is what I said yesterday on my support board…..

That’s the attitude I had yesterday.  So, when I went to WI today, I really didn’t care what it said.  I had reached my goal for this week and was so much more conscious of what I ate.  I didn’t eat anything fried and I added a little water.  I tried to get at least one serving of water per day.  That’s it.  That’s the only change I made this week and you know what it did?  It made me feel so much better, and I lost 3.2 pounds this week!!  I’m 3.2 pounds lighter than this time last week….only 6.8 more pounds to my goal!!!!  See, instead of saying I still have 295 pounds to lose, I say…. I have to lose 10 pounds for 29.5 times.    Yep, I’m a special case.  I have to break everything down.  The teeny tiny steps are working wonderful.  I have so much more inspiration this way.  I’m doing it y’all!!!! I’M DOIN’ IT!!!

Dear Diary,

This is what I said yesterday on my support board…..

That’s the attitude I had yesterday.  So, when I went to WI today, I really didn’t care what it said.  I had reached my goal for this week and was so much more conscious of what I ate.  I didn’t eat anything fried and I added a little water.  I tried to get at least one serving of water per day.  That’s it.  That’s the only change I made this week and you know what it did?  It made me feel so much better, and I lost 3.2 pounds this week!!  I’m 3.2 pounds lighter than this time last week….only 6.8 more pounds to my goal!!!!  See, instead of saying I still have 295 pounds to lose, I say…. I have to lose 10 pounds for 29.5 times.    Yep, I’m a special case.  I have to break everything down.  The teeny tiny steps are working wonderful.  I have so much more inspiration this way.  I’m doing it y’all!!!! I’M DOIN’ IT!!!

Dear Diary,

I’ve been kind of naughty.   I’ve been sneaky.    I’ve been cheating.    I didn’t say that I was starting over. .  With me having such a hard time getting back on track, I decided not to tell anyone that I was starting over again.  I think it worked too.  Because everything has been going so good.  I’ve been back on my plan ever since I came home from Mississippi on Sunday.  And, I’ve been doing so good.  Let me tell you how….

Ok, before when I wanted to sleep the whole night through, I would go to a fast food joint and get some food to fill up on.  Then I would sleep for hours.  If I didn’t, no matter if I didn’t go to bed until 5:00 in the morning, I was still up at 8.  I just couldn’t sleep.  So, if I got full right before I went to bed, then I would sleep as long as I needed to.  Well, in Mississippi, I had a “junkie” moment.  I know I’m addicted to food.  This is no secret.  I’ve been addicted to food for a very long time.  But, it was like food was cocaine on Saturday night.  I could not sleep.  I tried so hard and I couldn’t.  I laid there for a couple of hours and still couldn’t go to sleep.  Each moment passing got me more pissed off.  So, I got out of the bed and sat on the sofa that was in the hotel room.  I even hurt my friend’s feelings who I was visiting and I really didn’t mean to.  Ok, he snores and I had to wake him up several times to stop so that I could try to go to sleep.  He wanted me to take him back home so that I could sleep.  He felt like he was keeping me up.  I tried to explain to him that it was not him, but I still feel like he felt it was him keeping me up.  So, I got up and went to the Waffle House.  (it was the only thing open)  Now, keep in mind that it was like 3:00 in the morning.  I got a ham and cheese omelet, hash browns, toast, and apple butter.  I had some Sunny D at the hotel, so I didn’t get a drink.  I came back to the hotel and laid in the bed and ate it.  I was asleep within 5 minutes.  It was like a was a junkie and I went to street corner and got my crack from the neighborhood drug dealer and I was on a super high.  That was a huge wake up call.  The sad part was it didn’t hit me what I did until I was on the 4 hour drive home.  I started crying so bad because at that moment, I was no better than the heroin addict that says they could stop at any time.   I was truly an addict and I had hit rock bottom.  I was so ashamed.  And, with him there, I felt like I had just shot heroin up in my arm in front of someone.  Using a drug addict as an analogy may seem a little harsh, but sometimes I need a swift kick in the ass to make me straighten up.  And, it did.  I woke up Monday with a new attitude.  I had the “I can do it” attitude once again.  I’ve been doing so good.  I’ve been eating right.  I’ve been getting in my fruit.  I’ve been getting in my veggies.  I’ve began drinking water again.  I’ve just been doing so good.

I wanted something the other day.  I went to McDonald’s to get a grilled chicken salad.  Well, little did I know, that they didn’t start serving it until 10:30 am.  Well, it was like 9:45.  I was like .  So, I went to KFC and was going to get their grilled chicken salad.  They didn’t open until 10:30 too.  So, I sat there until 10:30.  It was like 10:35 and they still were not open, so I went back to McDonald’s and got 2 grilled chicken Caesar salads.  They were sooooo good.    I’ve been eating so good all week.  And, thank God that Subway has the special back.  They have 2 foot longs for $7.99.  Yesterday, I got a roasted chicken and a turkey/ham.  I ate one half for breakfast, one half for lunch, and I ate the other foot long for dinner.  Well, Beezie got 1/4 of the foot long for dinner.  But, I’ve been doing good.

And, the other day, I was hanging out with 2 female friends that I had not hung out with in…..forever.  We stayed out until about 3 in the morning.  Two of us left the 3rd one’s house.  After I dropped her off, I was like, “Ok, now I can go and get something to eat so that I can sleep good.”  I stopped myself and came home.  I ate 2 grapefruits and went to bed.  I was so proud.  Even though I ate 2 grapefruits, it was an assload better than 4 Krystal’s, 3 chili cheese pups, a large fry, and a large strawberry drink.  (yep, that was my normal late night meal)   But, instead, it was two grapefruits.  

I’m feeling so much more positive about it all.    I think I’m back on track again.  And, not looking at the big picture is really helping out too.  When I wake up, I say, “Mikki, do it just for today.  Worry about tomorrow when it comes.”  I like that.  I really like that.  Forget tomorrow, just enjoy today.

I weighed in yesterday too.  I was so scared that I had gained every ounce of what I had lost back.  But, I hadn’t.  Now true enough I gained back 60 pounds of my weight, but guess what, that’s just 60 pounds of more sexiness.  Forget being down on myself.  My weight doesn’t make me and I’m not going to let it break me either.  It truly didn’t get me down and I’m so thankful for that. 

And guess what, Rhonda and Dr. Stan are coming to Atlanta tomorrow.  I wanna go so bad to meet them, but I’m scared to death.  For those that don’t know who I’m talking about.  You need to watch Starting Over.  I really want to go on that program.  I think it would really help me.  Anyway, I gotta go.  I gotta clean up.

Until later…

Dear Diary,

I’ve been kind of naughty. I’ve been sneaky. I’ve been cheating. I didn’t say that I was starting over. . With me having such a hard time getting back on track, I decided not to tell anyone that I was starting over again. I think it worked too. Because everything has been going so good. I’ve been back on my plan ever since I came home from Mississippi on Sunday. And, I’ve been doing so good. Let me tell you how….

Ok, before when I wanted to sleep the whole night through, I would go to a fast food joint and get some food to fill up on. Then I would sleep for hours. If I didn’t, no matter if I didn’t go to bed until 5:00 in the morning, I was still up at 8. I just couldn’t sleep. So, if I got full right before I went to bed, then I would sleep as long as I needed to. Well, in Mississippi, I had a “junkie” moment. I know I’m addicted to food. This is no secret. I’ve been addicted to food for a very long time. But, it was like food was cocaine on Saturday night. I could not sleep. I tried so hard and I couldn’t. I laid there for a couple of hours and still couldn’t go to sleep. Each moment passing got me more pissed off. So, I got out of the bed and sat on the sofa that was in the hotel room. I even hurt my friend’s feelings who I was visiting and I really didn’t mean to. Ok, he snores and I had to wake him up several times to stop so that I could try to go to sleep. He wanted me to take him back home so that I could sleep. He felt like he was keeping me up. I tried to explain to him that it was not him, but I still feel like he felt it was him keeping me up. So, I got up and went to the Waffle House. (it was the only thing open) Now, keep in mind that it was like 3:00 in the morning. I got a ham and cheese omelet, hash browns, toast, and apple butter. I had some Sunny D at the hotel, so I didn’t get a drink. I came back to the hotel and laid in the bed and ate it. I was asleep within 5 minutes. It was like a was a junkie and I went to street corner and got my crack from the neighborhood drug dealer and I was on a super high. That was a huge wake up call. The sad part was it didn’t hit me what I did until I was on the 4 hour drive home. I started crying so bad because at that moment, I was no better than the heroin addict that says they could stop at any time. I was truly an addict and I had hit rock bottom. I was so ashamed. And, with him there, I felt like I had just shot heroin up in my arm in front of someone. Using a drug addict as an analogy may seem a little harsh, but sometimes I need a swift kick in the ass to make me straighten up. And, it did. I woke up Monday with a new attitude. I had the “I can do it” attitude once again. I’ve been doing so good. I’ve been eating right. I’ve been getting in my fruit. I’ve been getting in my veggies. I’ve began drinking water again. I’ve just been doing so good.

I wanted something the other day. I went to McDonald’s to get a grilled chicken salad. Well, little did I know, that they didn’t start serving it until 10:30 am. Well, it was like 9:45. I was like . So, I went to KFC and was going to get their grilled chicken salad. They didn’t open until 10:30 too. So, I sat there until 10:30. It was like 10:35 and they still were not open, so I went back to McDonald’s and got 2 grilled chicken Caesar salads. They were sooooo good. I’ve been eating so good all week. And, thank God that Subway has the special back. They have 2 foot longs for $7.99. Yesterday, I got a roasted chicken and a turkey/ham. I ate one half for breakfast, one half for lunch, and I ate the other foot long for dinner. Well, Beezie got 1/4 of the foot long for dinner. But, I’ve been doing good.

And, the other day, I was hanging out with 2 female friends that I had not hung out with in…..forever. We stayed out until about 3 in the morning. Two of us left the 3rd one’s house. After I dropped her off, I was like, “Ok, now I can go and get something to eat so that I can sleep good.” I stopped myself and came home. I ate 2 grapefruits and went to bed. I was so proud. Even though I ate 2 grapefruits, it was an assload better than 4 Krystal’s, 3 chili cheese pups, a large fry, and a large strawberry drink. (yep, that was my normal late night meal) But, instead, it was two grapefruits.

I’m feeling so much more positive about it all. I think I’m back on track again. And, not looking at the big picture is really helping out too. When I wake up, I say, “Mikki, do it just for today. Worry about tomorrow when it comes.” I like that. I really like that. Forget tomorrow, just enjoy today.

I weighed in yesterday too. I was so scared that I had gained every ounce of what I had lost back. But, I hadn’t. Now true enough I gained back 60 pounds of my weight, but guess what, that’s just 60 pounds of more sexiness. Forget being down on myself. My weight doesn’t make me and I’m not going to let it break me either. It truly didn’t get me down and I’m so thankful for that.

And guess what, Rhonda and Dr. Stan are coming to Atlanta tomorrow. I wanna go so bad to meet them, but I’m scared to death. For those that don’t know who I’m talking about. You need to watch Starting Over. I really want to go on that program. I think it would really help me. Anyway, I gotta go. I gotta clean up.

Until later…

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was so good.  My first goal for this week starting off is just to try to cut back on the bad foods and to journal whatever I eat.  Next week it will be to get in my water and keep track of my points.  But, yesterday went very good.  I journaled everything and I had nothing fried.  I’m not going to journal my points yet because I want to take itty bitty tiny steps until I get better.  So, next Sunday the other stuff will come.  But, if you want to know what I’ve eaten, I’ve started my eating journal back up.      Now, don’t get jealous because my dinner last night was damn good.  I know you want some, but you can’t have none.  Anyway, I did good.  True enough I didn’t get my water or vitamin in, but I feel like I did damn good considering what I have been doing.  And damn it, I’m happy! 

Now, I wanted to comment on all the support I felt this morning when I woke up from you all’s support from my post from yesterday.

erin hobbit1@hotmail.com Monday February 28, 2005 08:21 PM I haven’t totally stopped but it stopped being a priority. I was actually thinking about you today when I was watching starting over :) I am not sure if you saw it or still watch it but I sure did identify with Bethany a lot talking about her body image. If you need any support feel free to e-mail me anytime :)  OH! And prayers said for your dad :)

Erin,Girl, I know the feeling.  I’m so glad you have not stopped though.  Do I still watch Starting Over?!!!! Girl, I watch it so much!!!!  I’m still addicted to it.  Let me tell you how bad I am…..I watch it in the living room while taping it in the bedroom so that in case I miss something I can go back and watch it.  I know, I’m just a pitiful person.  But, girl yes, with Bethany and Candy, Iyanla is helping me so much.  Let me tell you what I absolutely LOVED!!!!  She was talking with Candy and said something like, “What if you die tomorrow without ever losing one more ounce.  What would you think of yourself?”  I took that to meaning that we have so much more to us than our weight.  Our weight is secondary.  When you think about everything you’ve done in your life, your weight actually never comes up.  At least with me it didn’t.  That meant so much to me.  Then she asked her “how bad do you want to lose weight?”  Candy said she really did.  Iyanla told her to stop lying because if she really wanted to, she would have.  I was like   She’s riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!! I am a firm believer that you are happy where ever you want to be in your life in every aspect or if not, you would change it.  My God, that was huge too.  I really needed that slap in the face to quit lying to myself because if I wanted to lose weight, I would not own stock in all of the fast food restaurants and Crisco.   The entire conversation was basically about fine, lose weight if you want to, but be happy with you every step of the way.  Girl, let me tell you how much that meant to me.  Ok, y’all know Beezie was my baby at one point right?  Well, a while ago when we were still together, I would not want him to see me totally naked for anything.  I had to have a shirt on or a towel over me or something.  Well, the last time we were intimate, I let it all hang out.  I was like, “This is my body the way it is right now, if you love me, you love it.  If you don’t want to see it, then poo on you!!!” Girl, I walked around the house butt ass naked once we were finished.  I know he was like, “Ummmmmmmmm Mikki?  What da hell done got into you!!!?”  I was like, “HEY WORLD, IT’S ME!!!!!!  I’M HEREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”  That felt so good.  It was like I was finally free to be happy with me.  And, I wouldn’t change that feeling for the world.  I’m finally starting to be OK with me…..all of me, not just me with clothes on. And it feels damn good! Girl you should have saw me when I went to my cousin’s retirement party.  I had on a shirt that showed my shape.  I was like .  Everyone was like .  I instantly was like .  It boosted my confidence even more.  Everyone said, “Mikki girl, I didn’t know you had a shape like that.  I thought you were just round.  I was like and at the same time.  I tell you that when you begin to feel better about yourself, everyone can see it.  Anyway, I’m rambling as usual, so lemme quit. But, girl we can do this damn thing.  I’m getting back into my grove.  Let’s do it!!!

Cindy cindaludee@yahoo.com Monday February 28, 2005 09:06 PM Hey Mikki, I’m sorry about your situation. I know it’s a tough place to be in: a sick parent, sick of yourself for not doing what you need to do, and dealing with anxiety. I’ve had all these things in my life. In fact, I’m on medication for the panic attacks. I’ve also been at that place that you KNOW you need to get serious about your weight but for some reason, you keep doing the opposite of what you are suppose to. All I can tell you is I basically had to FORCE myself to get started, even if it was just doing one thing right. One step in the right direction. Somewhere along the way you’ll get inspired & encouraged and you’ll fuel your flame again. YOU CAN START YOUR OWN FIRE AGAIN!! Yay, Mikki!! I really messed up at Thanksgiving and didn’t get back on it until after the first of the year. But we can do this!! As far as your dad, I will keep him in my prayers. God is still on the throne and still in the healing business. Keep your chin up!!

Cindy,Thanks so much and you are right, it’s very hard, but I have to do it.  That anxiety attack scared the boo boo out of me.  I don’t ever want to feel that way again.  I don’t know why we do that.  We know what we need to do, we know what it takes, yet our crazy ass does something completely different.  But, we have to learn from each one.  And I have forced myself too this time.  It has not been easy, but I’ve had to step up to the plate.  No one is going to do this for me, but me.  But, yesterday and today are going good.  So, I’m blessed for that.  Thank you for your prayers.  I really appreciate that.  Yes he is always on the throne and he is a master at healing.  I am holding on to my faith that everything will be fine.  Girl, my chin is up and I hope it stays that way.  Thank you so much girl.  You just don’t know how much you all have helped me.

Candice cnburke@gmail.com Monday February 28, 2005 09:48 PM Mikki ill start over with you!!! I look at your website every day to see if you have posted something. You are an inspiration because you are human! We can do it together!

Candice,Girl come on!!!  Let’s start over together!!!!  I know y’all be cussing me out when I haven’t updated in so long.  I’m sorry!   You know, thats the hardest thing to realize about myself.  I have to realize that I am a human and the only perfect being is God.  I swear sometimes I swear I’m wearing a super hero suit and my damn cape is tied so tight.    But, I’m slowly but surely realizing it and I’ve had my suit and cape in the closet for a minute.  We can do it girly!!!

LadyV ladyvisme@yahoo.com Monday February 28, 2005 10:17 PM heck yeah girl I’ll start over with you. you know I’m here for you. It’s funny reading the posts here because you are on my mind everyday.. and I’m not just saying that. I see your name on my buddylist and I wonder how you are today. Anyway, count me in on the do over. LOL I’ll pray for your dad tonight and the rest of your family.

Ms. LadyVHey girl!  I’m so glad you will start over with me.  You’ve been here for me and you get in my butt when I need it.  Thank you girl.  That’s the new name for it.  It’s my new “Do Over”.  The term starting over just rubs me wrong sometimes.  Come on girl, let’s do this.  I know you’ll be there pushing me alone when I need it and I’ll be here to push you along too.  Let’s do this thang!!!!

Teresa webmaster@datnastybitch.co Tuesday March 01, 2005 01:51 AM Girl I been reading your site forever and I see your support system. And I am going to tell you this cause you need to hear it. Stop talking about it and do it. I know you can do it just because I know you can. Damn it now I been reading this forever and you got to close this chapter girly and just fucking do it. It can be whatever you want and fuck the world and what they think and fuck everyone who is supporting you and fuck everybody who isnt. No one can do what ever you want to do but you. Ok, and dont be posting no response like you did to Todd he just simple he didnt know no better. But you do and you know you can do it and you know only you can do it cause I know you and I believe in you. Now the next post should be about how you made it to a mini goal 1 pound at a time not 50 lbs. Girl you got to nickel and dime this one and stop worrying about the dollar. I aint dead I just dont say too much this days. And you daddy is on my prayer list with the rest of he world. There is nothing that God cant handle and you just have to let his will be done.

Teresa,Girl, first how have you been?  I do have a wonderful support system here.  I wish I could do like I’m supposed to and let them be instead of turning my back on them.  I’ve got to do that more.  You know that I don’t attack folks that I know for telling me what I need to hear.  That bitch Todd didn’t know me.  Fuck face bastard!!!!! OK, ok….I digress.  I love this……”Girl you got to nickel and dime this one and stop worrying about the dollar.”  That is what I’m doing now.  See, this is what I’m talking about.  Y’all know when to be here being sympathetic and I can count on you and LadyV to give me a swift kick up the ass when I need it.  It’s a perfect mixture.  I’ve got to do it.  You are so right.  No one is putting my hand up to my face with those damn fries in it but me.  But, that’s it.  It’s now or never.  Fuck trying to be 180, fuck trying to be 280 or even 380.  I’m just trying to become healthy.  That’s it.  My ultimate goal is no longer to be 180, it’s to become healthy.  And, you are damn right…..I CAN DO THIS DAMN THANG!!!!!  Thank you girly!!

Y’all are all like the perfect mixture of what I need.  Thank you all so much.  Y’all just don’t know much y’all have helped me.  Let me tell you.  Beezie asked me to go and get something to eat today.  He wanted some Church’s Chicken.  Now when I go to Church’s I looooooooooove their fish.  My God, it is good.  But, guess what!!!!!  I didn’t get anything from there.  I went to the Chinese place and got a shrimp and broccoli.  Now, true enough, I stole some of his iced tea, but hell, I could have gotten a drink, but I didn’t.  And, with the shrimp and broccoli, I got in my veggies.  I got my calcium in with my cereal and I took my vitamin.  Got dog it, it’s coming back to me.  Thank y’all so much.  You all made today a little easier. 

Dear Diary,

My father is in the hospital, please pray for him.  His appendix burst and he had to have emergency surgery.  They had to take out part of his intestines and his liver.  He’s talking and feeling better, but he’s not out of the woods yet.  He’s an old man, he’s 77 and he wasn’t in perfect health to begin with.  So, please keep him in your prayers.

Ok look, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I am so sick of “saying” that I want to lose weight.  Where the hell is the action of doing it?  I’m so frustrated with myself.  I woke up pissed off at me. I’m the only one that can change this.  I’m not doing the action it takes to make it.  I know I haven’t.  That’s part of the reason I’ve been staying away from here.  But, I’m trippin’ cause I know better.  I’ve been eating my ass off and it is showing.  I’m going to weigh in again today because today is the day I start over again.  I hate those words…..”start over again”.  It makes no damn sense that I have to do it again and again.  Got damn it, I’ve got to buckle down and do it.  Saying it sounds damn good, but without the action, I’m just wasting my breath.  It’s kind of like saying “I want a paycheck”, but I don’t get up and go to a 9-5 everyday. The shit won’t work.  I’ve got to do this.  I want to live.  I went to the hospital this week because I thought I was dying.  My heart started palpitating and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I couldn’t catch my breath.  I was scared to death.  So, I hopped in my car and went to the hospital.  It turned out to be an anxiety attack.  I had never had one before and I have no idea why this one happened.  I used to have palpitations when I was taking diet pills, but they never lasted this long and it scared the shit out of me.  But, I’m blessed that it was just that and not a heart attack.  But, that really humbles you and make you realize that you are mortal and your time here on Earth is very limited.  So, I’ve got to enjoy every piece of my life at all times.  And, even though I’m kind of OK with me now, I would be so much happier if I were healthier.  So, I’ve got to get back to where I was before when I was doing it.  And, y’all have got to help a sista out and support me ok?

Is there anyone else starting over again too?

Dear Diary,

First, before I get to anything else…..

Happy 4th Birthday Jordan

Yesterday was LadyV’s son-Jordan’s birthday.  I know he enjoyed himself and I know his mommie enjoyed herself!  And they said that I could go with them next time.  Don’t be jealous that y’all can’t come.  Happy birthday sweetie!!!!

Now, I think I’m getting stronger. I had a talk with Beezie the other night and for once, I did not cry.  I was very “matter-of-fact” and I did not act on emotion.  I mean I felt the emotion, but I didn’t act on it.  I was so proud of myself.  I held my tears until after he left and even then, it was not the hysterical crying that I can sometimes do.  We just both agreed on being friends and let the “relationship” go.  I mean it hurt, but I know it’s the only thing possible.  I know we won’t make it as a couple.  I know this.  We’ve been just friends for a couple of weeks now, and I know it’s for the best.   So, this is the only thing for us to do, but it still hurts.  How can you really let go of someone you love so deeply?  It’s like the whole “letting Jae go” thing all over again.  I know it’s going to hurt, but I can’t let it kill me.  I can’t allow it to rule my life.  I just can’t.  I’m so into self-preservation right now, that it’s the only option.  I have to let him go.  Unfortunately, I can’t stay under the same roof with him while I’m getting over him.  I know this.  That is going to be so hard, but I have to do it.  I have to be happy.  I have to do what’s best for me.  There is someone out there for me.  Someone was created especially for me.  Somewhere on this Earth is my soul mate.  Hopefully one day God will reveal him to me.  If I never meet him, then that was not my mission in life.  Either way, I have to keep me happy.  So, I’ll be moving shortly.  I don’t believe in putting anyone out, so I’ll just leave.  Now the hard part is going to be me telling him that I’m moving alone.  I don’t know how he’s going to take it.  I want to keep him as my friend, but I don’t think he will take it too well.  But, it has to be done.  But, I’m not looking forward to it.

Jae is as good as can be expected.  She’s been accepted to an independent living program here in Georgia where they teach her the in’s and out’s of living by herself.  This kind of tickles me though because at her age, I had my own place and learned the hard way.  If you don’t pay Georgia Power, your ass is gonna be in the dark.  But, if it is what she needs, then I’m here for her.

You will never believe what happened!  My mother admitted something to me.  She said that I hurt her so bad because she had every hope and dream for me and I just did exactly the opposite of what she wanted.  I was soooo happy!!!! When I told some people this, they were like…. “That’s horrible!”  But, I had to break it down to them.  See, from the moment I was pregnant, I thought my mother did not believe in me.  I thought that she thought I would never amount to anything and I was the biggest failure that ever walked the face of the Earth.  But, her telling me this told me that it was just the opposite.  She totally believed in me from the start.  She actually said that I was the smartest of her children and everything came so easy to me.  So she had so many hopes and dreams for me and it crushed her that I was not living up to my potential.  She actually believed in me from the start.  My mother believed in ME?!!!! There is a God!!!!  This made me feel invincible.  I felt like I could conquer the world.  I felt like my mother was telling me, “Mikki, you can be the president of the United States!!!” and actually meant it. Good gracious, God is so good!!!! Every since Thanksgiving, I’ve been becoming closer and closer to my family and it feels so good!!

As far as the weight loss, it was what I guessed.  I have gained so much weight.  But, you know what, I know I can lose it, so I’m not really stressing it.  I haven’t put it on the chart yet because in case you didn’t notice, I haven’t created the 2005 one yet.  I am going to do that as soon as I finish this one.  But, I weighed in and I had gained 50 pounds.  Yep, you read right……50 pounds.  I am 464.2.  Yep, I’m back up there.  But, you know what, I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.  And to be totally honest, I have not really being going at it.  But, with all the positive stuff that’s been going on within myself, I know I can do it.  Baby steps….baby steps…..I have to start with baby steps.  And, I’m going to do it “Just for today”.  I’m not going to look at it like…..”I have to lose X number of pounds and look at is like, “Just for today, I’m going to do this damn thing!”  And, if I happen to mess up, for that day, I will change it to “Just for the rest of the day, I’m going to do this damn thing.”  I have to have baby steps.  The big picture way only sets me up for failure.  So, baby steps it is.  And, today…..just for today….I’m going to drink all my water.

All and all…it’s going to take work, but….everything is good!!!

So, until later……

Dear Diary,

Well, today is the day.  I’m going to see how much damage I did to myself.  I’m going to weigh in.  I don’t want to know, but I know I have to.  I’m changing up though.  I’m not going to weigh in every week.  I’m going to weigh in every 2 weeks.  I just don’t want to become a slave to the scale.  I just want to become healthy and quit doing it just for the number on the scale.  I want to use the number weight just as what it is…….a number.  So, pray for me.  I’m just hoping it’s not too much.    But, I think it’s going to be hell.  See, this stressing?  This is why I’m not going to do this to myself every week.  Shit, I hate feeling like I wasted all that time with losing it and it’s back up.

Ok, I can’t go thinking like this.  If I do, it will fuck me up.  So, I’ve got to change it.  As long as I’m not up to my starting weight again, I’m good.    As long as I’m not 522 again, I’m OK.  Wait, even if I am up to 522, there is always a way to get back down to 418.  I know because I’ve done it before.    Ok, that makes me feel a little better. 

Today is the first day back on plan.  It’s a long road ahead, but I’m going to do this!!!! I just have to get back into the habit of baby steps! Ok, I’m off…..I’ll post it later today on the weight lost chart.

Dear Diary,

How many times can one start over?  I guess a million times.  Being real…..I haven’t posted because I know I haven’t been doing what I should have been and I knew I could not motivate anyone.  So, I just stayed away.  The messed up part is that I knew I was fucking up.  Then I log on to my email and this is what I see……

It touched me so much that, I had to post.  But, I’m going to be honest, I have not been doing what I should have been.  So, I need support and I don’t know how I can be much support when I’m having such a hard time myself.  Hopefully, this is not just my damn depression kicking back in.  I’m trying to fight it by being positive.  I posted to my support board about how hard of a time I’m having.  I’ve had a lot of positive responses, so I’m just trying to get back positive.  I’m hoping this helps.

First, thank you so much Cindy.  I really needed that soooooooo much!!!

Trying to get positive, so changing subject……

HTML clipboardA{text-decoration:none; color: #800080; } BODY { SCROLLBAR-FACE-COLOR: #B16CD1; SCROLLBAR-HIGHLIGHT-COLOR: “#B16CD1″; SCROLLBAR-SHADOW-COLOR: #FFFFFF; SCROLLBAR-3DLIGHT-COLOR: #FFFFFF; SCROLLBAR-ARROW-COLOR: “#B16CD1″; SCROLLBAR-TRACK-COLOR: #FFFFFF; SCROLLBAR-DARKSHADOW-COLOR: #Ffffff} a:visited { color: #B16CD1; } a:active { color: #800080; } .style5 { border-style: solid; border-width: 0; font-size: 9pt; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Tahoma, sans-serif; color: #000000; text-align: left; background-color: #B16CD1; } .style3 { font-size: 10pt; text-align: left; } .style1 { font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small; color: #3B0256; } .style7 { border-style: solid; border-width: 0px; text-align: left; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 8pt; color: #3B0256; background-color: #E1C8EE; } .style8 { border-style: solid; border-width: 0; background-color: #B16CD1; } .style9 { border-collapse: collapse; } .style10 { font-family: Verdana; } .style11 { font-weight: bold; } .style12 { color: #3B0256; } .usertext { FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: #000; FONT-SIZE: 10pt } A:hover {color: #B16CD1; text-decoration: none}I went to Tennessee the other day and I had a ball.  And, you know the funny part, I was all by myself!!   I did it all by myself!!!!   I just got up and said, “I wanna go to the Tennessee Aquarium!”  And, ya know what?  I did!!! I just got dressed, went to fill up the car, and got the hell on!    I ended up going to the Tennessee Aquarium, I-Max Theater, Rock City, The Incline, Craven’s House and on the way home, I stopped at the outlet stores and bought 2 pairs of Nikes!    I just really had fun.  And, yep, you know I took pictures!    Wanna see? (It might take a little time to load….)

This is the swing bridge at Rock City.  That guy on it was messing with his wife and kept jumping up and down on it.  So, she took off running and got to solid land.  It was too funny.  Don’t see me huh?  Well, that’s cause I’m taking this picture from the stone bridge on solid ground.  There was no way in hell I was getting on that damn bridge.

This is Needle’s Eye at Rock City.  The whole place is like this……solid rock.  This part was so tight, you had to turn your head sideways in order to get through.  I did it though!  I got through!  But, also at Rock City, they have a part called Fat Man’s Squeeze.  I almost got stuck there, and had to basically rock climb with just my hands and arms to get out.  I hurt so bad.    But it was either that or sit there and risk them having to come in destroy a national monument to get me out.     So, I climbed my happy ass out, turned around, and went out the other way.  I had a ball.

This is Craven’s House.  It was the only standing building from the Civil War on Lookout Mountain.  It just took my breath away to actually be standing somewhere that was the reason we are free!    It blew my mind.

This is the most crazy thing I saw at the Aquarium.  This is actually a Sea Horse.    It looks like a freakin’ tree!   I stood there watching it forever.  They had so much good stuff, but this one tripped me out.

Well, those are just a few of the pictures.  I didn’t want to bore y’all like folks do when they show vacation pictures, so that’s enough.

I went to Tennessee the other day and I had a ball.  And, you know the funny part, I was all by myself!!  I did it all by myself!!!!  I just got up and said,  “I wanna go to the Tennessee Aquarium!”  And, ya know what?  I did!!! I just got dressed, went to fill up the car, and got the hell on!    I ended up going to the Tennessee Aquarium, I-Max Theater, Rock City, The Incline, Craven’s House and on the way home, I stopped at the outlet stores and bought 2 pairs of Nikes!   I just really had fun.

Anyway, I’m getting offline now.  So, I’ll holla at y’all later.

But, before I go, I’m back yet again.  But, I’m weak right now and y’all have got to help me.

Until later….