Dear Diary,

Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.   Yep me!  I know, I know…..I need my ass beat for not being around.  But, you know, I don’t have an excuse.    I just haven’t been into it.  I don’t know why.  At one point I lived and breathed weight loss, but now I’ve been like .  And guess what, the scale shows it too.  I haven’t weighed in for a while and then I took my happy-go-lucky ass to weigh in.  Remember when I was 418?  Well, that’s a distant memory now.  I’m back up to 452.  Yep, you read right 4 fucking fifty got damn 2.  I can’t blame nobody but myself again.  I’ve had some stress in my life and I allowed that to dictate what the hell I put in my mouth.  But, this is it.  I’m tired of it.  I’m going to re-read my entire site and get back my motivation that I had back then.  But, I figured that I had to come here and be honest about everything.  I was just going to come in and just say, “Well, I’m back again, I don’t know what I weigh now, but I’m at it again.”  I was going to say that because honestly I felt like shit when I stepped on that scale and no one was going to know.  But, that’s what got me to the point I’m at now and this shit has to stop.  I’m addicted to food.  I use it for comfort or when I’m bored or whatever.  I use it for everything more than the nutrition that it is supposed to be.  And, that sucks!  But, just like a crack addict has to control themselves on a daily basis, so do I.  So, once again, I begin this journey.  Hopefully, for the last time.  Well, let me get you caught up on a few things…..

1. I’ve been diagnosed with high blood pressure.  He told me to lose weight.  duhhhhhhhh!

2. Although Beezie and I are still together, I’m not quite sure that I want to be with him for the rest of my life on any level other than a best friend.    I guess time will tell.  I know I’ll be going into this deeper in the near future.

3.  Jae was living with my mother because of issues we were having, and she really wanted to get a job, but now she’s acting out again and it is really affecting me because I feel like it’s my fault that my mother is being hurt emotionally.

4.  I haven’t worked out in God knows when.

5.  I’ve used my high blood pressure as an excuse to work out.

6.  I ate at Krystal’s today and I actually snuck and ate part of it.  God, I don’t want to say this, but I feel like I have to.  I feel like if I admit it to someone that it will make me more accountable for it and maybe become a little closer to correcting it……so here goes.  I went to Wal-Mart today and on the way home, I called Beezie and asked him if he wanted some Krystal’s.  For those of you in the north, Krystal’s is something like White Castles.  Anyway, I used calling him as an excuse to go for myself.  I knew I wanted to go, but because I knew I shouldn’t I called him and asked him if he wanted anything.  I knew he loved Krystal’s so I knew he would say yeah.  So, I stopped.  I got 4 Krystal’s, a regular fry, 3 chili pups and a large strawberry drink.  I had to hurry up and eat the chili pups because I felt like if Beezie saw how much I had that he would be like, .  I would have felt so ashamed that I had so much.  But, you know the worse part, I didn’t even really want all of it.  It’s just that, that is what I used to get when I went there before all of the weight loss and I just got it again.  I have to learn a few things.  I am going to write out a schedule tonight and make a concrete plan to make it through this whole time.  Because as we used to say in marketing, “If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail.”  Maybe that’s it.  Maybe because I didn’t have a concrete written out plan, I have been sabotaging myself.  I don’t know, but we will see. One thing I know for sure is that I have to come back here everyday from now on and if I’m not honest anywhere else in life, I have to be honest here.

Pray for me, this just might be rough.    But, with God’s help, all things are possible. 

Dear Diary,

I know all of you have been sending me your prayers and good thoughts because I’ve been having such a hard time.  I thank you all.  This is a process and I know that I will come out of it, and I’m still having a hard time.  But, I got this today and it got to me really thinking and I have hope now.  I know a lot of people care about me, but this really touched me.  I’ve got to share it….

Dear Mikki,

Hi sweetheart, how are you?  I pray all is going well for you.  I just wanted to write you to let you get to know me a little.  I am very interested in you.  I’ve seen you so many times before and I just smile. I wonder how it is to be with you.  Not sexually or anything just “with” you.  I’ve been longing to be with someone like you.  You seem to be so giving and so sweet.  You seem to love so hard and you also seem to be looking for someone to just love you.  Not the you that you show everyone, but the real you.  The you that laughs at the corny stuff, cries whether you are happy or sad, the you that even poots while you lay in bed alone and giggles because you wonder what people will think if they were right there with you. That’s the you that I want to know me.  See baby, I secretly love you.  I know you don’t love me.  You can’t because you don’t really know me.  But believe me, if you knew me, you would love every fiber of my being. And guess what, I’m good to know too.  I laugh at corny stuff, I cry when I’m happy or sad, I too even poot and giggle because I wonder what they would think. I love to see people smile.  Just one time, I wish I could see you smile for something that I’ve done. You deserve the best.  You deserve to be courted.  You deserve flowers everyday of your life.  You deserved to be honestly and genuinely loved for just being you.  You deserved to be looked at in the morning with crust in your eyes, stankin’ breath, while you are scratching your crack and be told “I love you baby”. I know you deserve it.  I see it in you.  I can give that to you.  You deserved to relax when you go home from a hard days work.  You deserve to have your dreams nurtured.  You deserve to be believed in.  I can give you that.  You may wonder why I am telling you all this.  Well sweetie, it’s because it’s true.

I love you so very much.  I just pray that one day soon I won’t have to love you from afar.  Every time I see you, I see a sparkle in your eye.  Everyone else may not see it, but I have that certain knack of noticing the little things.  I love to see you blush when I tell  you how pretty you are. I love the little sideways smile and the way you drop your head a little and shake your head a little when you are blushing.  That warms my heart so much.  I love it when you look in my eyes.  It’s like you can see my soul.  I remember when you were singing to me one day.  You sang it with so much feeling that I knew you were talking from the heart.  Never mind the fact that you can’t really sing, but I love that about you too. I love the way your voice cracks and you still act like you can  sing like you are Whitney Houston. You make me laugh.  You are just too cute.

But, baby with all that, I’m worried about you.  I see how much you stress about everything. Sweetheart you can not control the world.  Nor can you save it.  You try to support everyone with so much vigor that it’s ridiculous.  I just wish I could be blessed with some of your support.  I pray that one day soon I will.

I know you have everyone and everything you care about, but do you think that one day, I can be put in that crowd of elite people? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, I can get into a small little corner of your heart?  I won’t ask for much I promise.  But, I have a strange feeling that once I can get into that loving heart of yours, I might just take over. I’ve already worked into the hearts of your mother, Jae and the rest of the family.  I’ve even touched a few of your friends…..well….as you say, your associate’s hearts.   So, really baby, there’s no getting rid of me.  I’m here for life whether you want me or not.  Even if you choose not to be one with me, I’m not going anywhere. Every time you turn around, I’ll be here.  I’ll be nagging you in your ear that you should be with me too.  I don’t care who you marry, if you have more kids, or anything……I’ll be here.

Baby, I’ve seen the trouble you’ve been having lately.  I’ve seen the despair in your eyes.  There’s something wrong.  You are just not you.  I don’t know what’s going on or where your mind is half the time, but whatever you are struggling with, I’m here for you baby.  No matter how rough you may think times will get, I’ll be here for the ride.  I wish I knew what to tell you to make everything alright, but I don’t.  There is no miracle cure.  There is no magic pill to make everything alright. I wish there were.

Baby, I know times are hard and I know you feel your best is not enough.  All I can do is tell you that I’m here for you.  All you have to do is open your heart and let me in.  I know Beezie has most of your heart right now, but I know you can love the both of us. I’m willing to share you with him.  I don’t know how he will feel about me being around, but even if he doesn’t like it, I’m still here for you.  I vow that I will never let you down.  I’m willing to do whatever it takes to protect you from every harm.  Baby I’m willing to lay my life on the line.  With every breath, with all my soul I’ll give my world, I’ll give it all.  Let me be your hero.  Just for you, I promise you, I’ll do anything to get you to realize how much I love you.  All you have to do is just let me in.

And you know what, it won’t take a lot to let me in.  All you have to do is get up out of the chair you are in now, walk to your left, when you get to the hall, make a right, go into the first door on the left, and take a few steps straight.  Stand there, and look at me and tell me, “I will let you in!”  That’s all.  That’s all it takes.  I will take over then and make your life better.  I will make your life where you want it.  See baby, I am you.  I’m the you that you don’t know.  I’m not talking about a skinny you, or a fine-”er” you.  I’m talking about the real you.  I am the you, that you long to be.  Even if you get down to the 150 you want to be, you still may not know me.  Even if you get to what you consider to be fine-”er” you may not ever meet me.  See baby, I’m the “happy with yourself” you.  I’m the you you’ve never met.  I’m the you that can be with you at 150 pounds or 1000 pounds.  See sweetheart, it doesn’t matter what you weigh.  Your body will never take the place of your heart and soul.  That’s what I know.  I don’t know 450 pound Mikki…..I know Mikki, and I can tell you, she is a wonderful person. See, I’m her.  And, I must say that I’m as beautiful at 522 as I will be at 150 if I do say so myself.  Once you meet me, you’ll never let me go.  I can promise you something too.  It’s a proven fact that once you get to know me, your fight with your weight will become second nature because you will be happy with yourself.  That’s the key baby.  That’s the “magic pill” everyone searches for.  Be happy with you and love yourself baby and your life becomes a whole lot easier.  Release the pain and heartache and I’ll automatically come in whether you want me to or not.  And, I’m good company girl!  Everyone wants to be my friend, but I only want you.   All you have to do is open your heart and let me in.

Will you?  Will you let me in baby?

I’ll be waiting for you in the mirror…….

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Now, with that, how could I say no?  And I did it, I finally am letting her in.  It will be a pleasure to finally begin to get to know her.  Today, life is good.

P.S. This is a letter that I wrote to myself as I might tell another person.  Then when I went back and read over it, I just couldn’t say no.  Now, this calls for me to run out tomorrow and buy me another ring so that I can renew my vows to myself.  In case you don’t know about my vows, look at the December 18, 2003 entry.  I’ll show a picture of the new ring tomorrow when I get it.

Dear Diary,

Ok y’all I need some help.  I am in the dumps about this whole weight loss things.  I know the reasons I have listed, but I need some new ones.  I watched Oprah today with the woman that weighed 550 pounds and had the gastric bypass and I immediately called around to get some information about the Lap Band surgery.  I know that gastric bypass is not for me, but I am seriously considering this.  I have before, but I threw it out of my mind because I feel like I can do it myself.  It’s a trip because I can dispute each and every thing someone else says and believe it.  But for some reason, I can’t get back into the swing of things.  I do it for a couple of days or maybe even a week and then I go right back to the bullshit I was doing before.  I need y’alls help.  Please do me a favor and post your reasons for losing weight.  Maybe, just maybe someone will trigger something that will flip my switch.  Even if you think it is so small, it may help me greatly no matter what it is.  So, please please please, help me.  I’ve got to do this.

Dear Diary,

Well, well, well.  I tell you the truth.  Men are a damn trip.  You remember Eric right?  The guy that I walked around Stone Mountain with right?  Well, until yesterday, I had taken a job with his aunt.  She is opening a temp service for hotel workers.  Anyway, I guess he had a live in girlfriend or something because he called me asking me to take out some ground beef out of the freezer.  Now, normally that would not be a problem because all I would have to do is get out of the office chair and step to the freezer.  But see, lately he has been being a real asshole because I never gave him some pussy after knowing him a year and a half.  Don’t you think after a fucking year and a half if you have never got the pussy, that you never would?  Anyway, he caught an attitude and put a password on the computer so that I couldn’t get in it the next morning.  So, it pissed me off because I still had an attitude with him from the night before.  Well, I messaged him to get the password.  When I didn’t hear back from him, I called his aunt, my boss.  I asked her for the password and she said, “I don’t know.  Well Eric said that you don’t do anything but play on it, so he put a password on it.”  Oh I instantly go hot as shit!  How the fuck could I have made all your forms without the damn computer?  How the fuck could I have built your fucking website without the damn computer?  How the fuck could I have found anything for the damn business without the damn computer?  I didn’t say all this though.  I just said, OK and hung up the phone.  I had been saying that I was going to leave because of the way they ran the business and I wasn’t getting paid the way I should for the shit she wanted me to do.  She wanted an office manager for a secretary’s pay.  That shit just don’t mix, and I wasn’t about to give her all that I know for no bullshit like that.  Now if she paid me like that, then I would have.

Anyway, I was pissed, I left and came home.  Oh yeah, on the way home, made a call….and I start working at my new job on Tuesday.  Bastards just don’t know how good I am.  Anyway, Eric text messaged me later on saying that I fried his hard drive and mother board and that it was childish.  I’m like  “What tha fuck are you talking about?!!! I could not even get into the computer so how the fuck could I fry anything?”  Now, I can admit that I was going to get in it and delete all the work that I had done.  But, since I couldn’t get in it, I couldn’t.  I was mad as hell.  But, it really pissed me off that his aunt allowed his personal feelings interfere with my job.  That shit was not cool at all and I was not the one to keep taking bullshit for bullshit ass pay.  So I walked out.  Yesterday was just a trip because that fucker doing that caused all this confusion because it all boils down to him being mad because he never got no pussy from me.  I know it because he even said it.  So, I’m just done with men like that.  They need to realize that Mikki ain’t finna fuck nobody but Beezie.  Niggas kill me.

Anyway, other than that, I went to go weigh in yesterday morning and I couldn’t because they were taking too long, so I had to leave.  But, I’m going to weigh in before the week is out.  I am suspecting a good one because I’ve really been doing good.  I’m cutting down on my carbs, but I’m not going to cut them out because I need them, not to mention they are sooooooooooooooo good! 

I’ve got to go clean up my kitchen now so until later…..

Dear Diary,

What’s tha deal y’all?   Did ya miss me?    Well, as you know it’s been too long.  I’ve been through a whole lot of ups and downs and finally, I’m back.  I’ve been through so much, that I don’t want to get into it because it will bring m down again.  So, if it comes up in the future, then I’ll talk about it, if not, then oh well.

I started not to renew my domain and just let it go away and be an afterthought.  I mean I waited until it was 11:30 at night before I paid it.  I was to expire at midnight.  I had just given up.  I had no drive to keep it up and had truly lost interest.  What changed my mind do you ask?  Well I looked at my gut. Right then, I decided to get off my ass and get to gettin’.  Now, here I am.  Oh yeah, do you remember how I had got right before I left?  I was getting kind of soft.  My “fuck it” attitude was becoming an “oh I’m sorry” attitude.  Well, guess what, I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaack!  That soft shit is gone.  I’m not saying that I’m gonna be cussing everybody out all the time, but if you come at me, I’m coming back full force.  So watch out. 

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I started back on my plan.  And, I had lost 6 pounds last week.  But, I went through some major emotional turmoil last week and I ate my ass off.  Or, shall I say, I ate my ass back on.  So, I weighed in again tonight and yep, I gained back all I had lost.    Now, I knew I was going to weigh in.  Now, tell me why my dumb ass went to Chick-Fil-A and got a Chargrilled meal?  Now, not only that, but I got it value sized.  And guess what I did to justify it.  My drink was a diet lemonade.  I know, I know, I’m just too intelligent for words.  Did I stop there?  Nope!  I went to Pizza Hut and got some breadsticks.  All this only 15 minutes before my weigh in.  Yep, the brain strikes again.  Anyway, I pretty much consider today a wash out and this is my “last meal” day.  You know when you say you are going to start to eat right tomorrow?  And you always have that “last meal” right before you go to bed.  And guess what mine is…..french fries.  Right now, as I type there is a big plate of homemade french fries between me and my keyboard.  I know, I know….”Now Mikki, it wasn’t a total wash, you could have just ate right the rest of the day!”  Shaddup!  I know, but dammit I’m doing this my way.  Plus, I just wanted an excuse to eat some french fries.  So, tomorrow is the day!  I go back to my plan full force!  Lord help us all! 

Until tomorrow….

Dear Diary,

Well, you know what, it’s not that I’ve been majorly depressed or anything, I’ve just been super busy these last few days.  I don’t even have anything put on eBay.  I really need my ass beat.  Well, what matters is that I’m here now and I’m posting.    Don’t ya just love me? 

First, even though I told you in pm, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADYV!!!! *singing*  HAAAAAAAAAAPY BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAPY BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAPY BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRTHDAY DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR LADYVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV HAAAAAAAAAAPY BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!  AND MAAAAAAANY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!! Hey, wait, that wasn’t too bad, I might need to call Motown.  I should have had this up on your birthday, but my slow ass didn’t.  I’m sorry girl.  Don’t cuss me out.  She probably won’t read this until she gets back from Disney Land.  And, y’all know what, that girl wouldn’t even take me with her.  I begged and pleaded, and offered to name my second born after her and she still told me no.  She was soooooooooooooo mean to me.  Ok, so .    But, I did want to go.  She told me to come on, but only if I could.  I shole would have.  I’m glad you celebrated your birthday for a long time!!!!  Do it girl.  I wish I was there, I would have celebrated it with you too!!!

As far as Jae, I still haven’t spoken to her, but I speak to my family all the time again and they say that she’s still up to the same old shit.  I hate that my mother has to suffer through her shit like I did, but my mother told me something that touched my heart and I realized why she felt like she had to.  See, me and my mother had a really rough time when I was coming up.  I was extremely rebellious, just like Jae.  I gave my mother pure hell just like Jae was giving me.  I regret that so much now.  But, again, just like Jae, at that time, I didn’t give a fuck.  Well, my mother never apologized to me for the shit I felt like she did.  All I ever wanted her to do was to validate my feelings and attempt to understand what I was feeling.  Well, the other day, some 15 years later, she finally did.  She said, “Mikki, I don’t know what you felt like I didn’t give you when you were coming up.  But, I can’t fix that.  All I can work on is from this point forward.  But, I can fix it with Jae.  I can’t let that go without trying.  I just want to try.”  I know you may not know what that means, but without going to detail, that was her apology.  That was all I have ever wanted from her, and I finally got it.  God is so good! 

On the weight loss front, I’ve been eating everything in site.    I’ve got to get back on track.  I’m not going to weigh myself until I do.    Well, that’s enough on that.  I don’t wanna go and eat nothing, so I’m not gonna talk about what I have been eating.

On the Beezie front, he is so much better now.  We had been having problems for weeks, but then for the past two weeks, I can tell he’s really trying.  We even said we were going to get married yesterday, but with all the marathon sex we had the night before, we didn’t wake up until 4:30 in the afternoon and the courthouse was closed.  We said we were gonna go today, but I’m not sure if I am ready yet, so we might not.  So, just giving you the heads up……it might happen, then again it might not.  Don’t just love the way I tease? 

Ok, well, I gotta go get my day started.  So until later…..

Dear Diary,

Well, well, well, long time no see.  I have been going though so much shit, that this journal really took the back seat.  You know, Beezie always says how you have to sacrifice some things to make it where you want to go.  And, I’m sorry, but this is one thing that had to be sacrificed.  I just couldn’t come here.  So much shit has happened within this last month that I’m surprised I’m still here.  But, by God’s grace, I am.

Thank you all so much for your concern and worry.  I am so very sorry it took me so long to post again, but hopefully you will understand when I’m finished that I had to stay away from everything.  Shit has been real rough and I fell right back into my old severe depression and I had to fight to get out of it.  I had not contemplated suicide in quite a while and it got that deep again.  Nothing or no one could bring me out of it. I had to do a truck load of prayers and just being to myself to figure my life out was the only thing that saved me to be here today.  But, anyway, I am catching up on everything, so this one will probably be long.  This is my last bitch session about anything concerning my daughter or family.  I have worked passed a lot of this stuff and I don’t want to find myself falling back into the habit of bitching and complaining about what’s going on in my life.  I’m trying to stay positive and believe that everything will be ok and it will work out for the best. Anyway, here goes……

Well, it was a total shock to see that Jae in fact, didn’t really change while she was gone.  It’s really hard to accept the same bullshit from her that she was doing before she ever left.  I’m not going to get into it, but the same reasons she had to leave in the first place are still there. I can’t do that.  That is what sent me over the edge the first time and made me want to no longer exist.  And, that’s what it did to me again.  That’s why I no longer wanted to be on this Earth.  I wanted to go home and meet my maker so desperately.  But, I had to come to grips that she and I can not live in the same house if we want to have the relationship that we could have.  It’s gotten to the point where we don’t even speak any longer.  I have not spoken to her for a little over a week. It hurts so bad not to talk to her, but I know with us being just alike, we will butt heads if we don’t let things calm down.  So, I’ll give her to Monday and I will start calling her again.  She’s with my mother now.  My mother feels like shit because she feels obligated to handle things.  See, my family has a habit of putting on our “Captain Save A Hoe” capes and go flying around our friends and family trying to save the world.  But, we can never save ourselves.  I wish I could explain everything to make people understand, but I have to respect my baby and not put it out there like that.  Just please keep her in your prayers.

Moving on, I’ve also fallen back into not talking to my family.  This hurts so bad.  I was just like that when she was home before.  She caused so much confusion between me and my family, that it pushed me away from them.  Then, when I was here by myself, I was making progress to become closer to my family.  Hell, I’d talk to Donna 2 or 3 times a day.  Now,  I’m lucky if I talk to her once a week.  I don’t even dial my mother’s number because Jae is there and I don’t want us to blow up at each other.  Diane called today to make sure I was OK and to try to find out what was wrong with me.  I really didn’t even talk to her.  I just told her I would call her back.  I know that I am going back into the old Mikki, but I can’t seem to stop it.  See, I learned a long time ago how to cope with all the trauma within my life.  I just shut down.  I don’t talk, I don’t call, and if by the rare chance I answer the phone when you call, I just answer everything with one word and make it very clear that I do not want to talk.  And, that’s what I’m doing.  I have got to protect my heart by any means necessary.  And, this is how I do it.  Unfortunately, when I do shut down, everyone that’s around me thinks that I am upset with them or something and they take it personal.  Well, I’ve come to the realization that that’s something that they are going to have to deal with.  I’m not responsible for someone’s feelings.  They have to own that and deal with it.  I try to tell them that it’s nothing personal, but I can’t seem to make them understand that.  All I can do it tell them.  That’s it.  I’m sorry, but my cape is now off.  You either accept what I do and say or you leave me the hell alone and get out my life…..no matter who you are.  A few friends don’t understand how I could say this to them, but if I’m saying this about my own mother and child, what tha fuck makes you think you are exempt?  They truly get upset, but again, there’s nothing that I can do.  Then, they are saying that I am nonchalant.  I’m not nonchalant, I just gotta do what’s best for me.  Everyone else goes on with life like nothing is wrong and they all think of themselves first, so that’s what I’m going to do with everyone in my life…..including my mother and child.  I’ve come to realize that since Jae is 16….soon to be 17 and has gone through what most people go through in their entire life, she is actually mentally grown.  She wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it.  So,  I have to let her.  She’s getting too old to try to carry her along in life like you would a normal 16 year old.  So, it’s my turn.  I pray that everything goes right for her and I will be here for her at any time I can.  But, I can’t control her.  She’s basically an adult and I have to treat her as such.  I can’t base my life on what everyone else thinks.  You know what, fuck that…..I can’t base my life on what my daughter and my mother thinks….not everyone else.  I don’t  value anyone like I value those two women and I have to stop looking for their approval in every fucking thing I do.  Ok, I’m finna go off, so let me change the subject.

Jae and Beezie coming home was a huge adjustment.  I went from being all alone at all times to having two other people living in my house that I was now responsible for.    It sent me for a loop.  I was not ready.  No matter how much I tried to trick my mind, I was not ready.  For a while I just wanted both of them to leave and be by myself again because of all the problems it was causing.  Then I wanted them to stay.  Then I wanted to leave them and just run away.  Then I was glad that they were home again.  Needless to say, my mind was fried.  I don’t like being alone, but I’m comfortable with it if need be.  It had got so bad that it was to the point where I was getting ready to break up with Beezie and just leave him.  I’m now glad that I didn’t, but for about two weeks, I was packing up without him knowing it.  It was really rough.  But, it seems to be getting better now.

Beezie’s sister finally had the baby.  She had a little boy, so please keep her and the baby in your prayers.  The baby was over 9 pounds and they had to do a C-section because he was too big to come out.

Now, Beezie is talking about having a baby.  I’m not even going into that because it’s so much shit that we would have to get straight and change that, that subject ain’t even up for discussion right now. 

Vick finally left Thang completely for another woman.  It was a huge blow up.  That fucker even had the nerve to put my name in the middle of it.  Oh I was hot!!!! Now, he’s back.  I don’t even care anymore.  Like I said before, I’m just going to worry about Mikki.  If he fucks over her for the millionth time, then that’s her fault and I can’t be there for her.  So, I’m done with it.

Eric came back into the picture for a minute.  Remember him?…..the one that I went walking Stone Mountain with?  Yeah, him.  Well, I saw him at the big girl club and we talked and tripped out for a while.  We’ve been speaking off and on for a few weeks.  But, he’s full of shit too.  He knows about Beezie, now how tha fuck he gone get mad because me and Beezie went to the Cheesecake Factory and the drive in?!!!! I swear, folks be killin me.  That punk ain’t my man.  I don’t even fuck with Eric like that, so what tha hell gives him the right to question me about any damn thing?!!!  Oh Lawd hammercy, here comes that attitude….change of subject.

I am finally off my cycle.  I was bleeding for about 1 1/2 months and I’m finally off.  I had to go to the doctor for him to give me some birth control pills to stop it, but got dog it, it’s gone.  We talked at length and he told me that it has a whole lot to do with my weight, but he will be sure.  So, I’ll be going to take some tests over the next few weeks.  Pray for me. 

Ok, lemme tell you what old bright ass Mikki did.  I was cooking yesterday while Beezie was sleep.  Well, the skillet was getting ready to fall, and my bright ass caught it.  Was it hot?…..fuck yeah!!!!!  So, when I did, I was like .  So, I ran to the kitchen sink and started running cold water over it.  Well, then I tried to straighten my fingers out and I couldn’t.  I freaked out and I ran to the back room to change my shirt and put on some slippers and woke Beezie up and told him I was going to the hospital.  He freaked out because I was crying and holding my hand.  He said he thought I said I broke my hand, when I really said, I burned my hand.    I was so hurt.  I was totally scared too because I could not straighten my fingers out.  So Beezie took me to the hospital.  They said that I had 1st and 2nd degree burns on my hand.  After all was said and done, Beezie started talking about me calling me a punk because I was crying so hard.  I told him, “I’m supposed to cry, I’m a girl!”  Then he said how he wouldn’t cry and just piss it off.  I was like, “Piss on you!”  Then when I calmed down, he really messed with me.  I said “Shit, if you were under the influence of Vicodin and had numbing ointment on your burns, your ass would be feeling good too.” Let’s just say the Vicodin worked.  I was fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked up. But, whatever type of medicine they put on my burns, that shit worked, because the blisters that were coming up before I got to the hospital didn’t even surface.  All that is it is just white spots where the blisters were supposed to be.  It is tripping me out because I don’t even have fingerprints on my first three fingers.    It’s going to get better though.  And, yep, later on I went back in the kitchen and finished cooking what I had started cooking when I burned myself.  Oh he really talked about me then. 

You know, through all of this, I’ve been still losing weight.  How, I don’t know because I have not been eating right at all.  But, I’ve lost a total of 104 pounds now and I’m officially back in virgin fat territory.  So, I’m going to keep it up. 

Well, I’ve got some more to talk about, but my hand is really killing me, so I’ve got to take some more medicine and lay down.  Until later…..

Dear Diary,

Ok, I get online and this is what I see….

First of all – I don’t see any improvement in your weight.  However more important is this – IT IS ILLEGAL TO SOLICIT MONEY.  You can charged by the US Postal Service with a Felony.  I hope you lose weight however grow up and stop asking people for money.

This was my response…..

Todd,

First of all, I’m not soliciting money.  If you were competent enough to read, you would see that.  If I ask you for money and you send it to me, then how the fuck is that a felony?  I tell you the truth, fucking morons read a page and they think they know everything.  Get a fucking clue and stay out of my page if you don’t like it.  I’m not asking anyone for money you fucking prick.  I said that if you wanted to send it, I would not reject it.  Read the fucking page!!!!  Oh yeah and by the way, I couldn’t give a flying rat’s ass if you see any improvement in my weight.  Do I live my life for you?  NO!!!!  Do I wake up every morning saying…. “Oh my goodness, I’d better live my life so that Todd fuckin Dweeb Dube is happy?”  FUCK NO!!!!  Now you grow the fuck up and stop reading my page if you don’t like it.  I didn’t make it for your got damn enjoyment anyway.  Other than that, have a nice day!

Ok, all I have to say is…..!!!

Dear Diary,

Ok, before I get to the good part, let me tell you why I love my big baby like I do.  I know you get tired of hearing about Beezie, so I’m going to try to chill talking about him so much, but I have to share this one.  I’m sure you know that I am a very confident woman about my looks regardless of what size I am.  Well, you might not know that, that confidence only comes with clothes on.  I am so freaked out when I am butt naked.  I don’t like anyone to see me like that…..not even Beezie.    But, let me tell you how sweet this man is.  He picked up on how insecure I am about being naked and he is breaking me from it.  When we have sex, most of the time I either have a t-shirt on or if I’m feeling sexy, I’ll put on a negligee…I just want something to hide some of the rolls.    Well, my baby picked up on it and stood over me while I was laying down with my negligee on and said, “Sit up, that’s coming off.”  I was like, .  As he was taking it off of me, he said, “Let me tell you something, this sexy body is mine…..all mine!”  Then he laid me down.  He then began to kiss me all over and saying, “I love this part…..” and he would kiss it and move to another part and said, “I love this part….” and he would kiss it.  He did that to every part of my body.  This might be hard to imagine, but I was laying on my back with my knees bent and my feet flat on the bed with my legs slightly spread apart.  He laid on his side, with his shoulder against my “poonani” and his head on my stomach and one of his arms were under my thigh and the other one was around my leg and it was like he was hugging my leg.  I hope I explained that right.  Anyway, he looked up at me and smiled.  Yep I was feeling so uncomfortable because I was butt naked.    I guess he picked up on that too because he said, “Do you know how sexy you are?  I mean look at this!”  Then he grabbed my thigh and hugged it tighter and kissed it several times.  Then he said, “How could you not love all this?  How could you not love every inch…..” and he would kiss it.  “How could you not love every wrinkle…..(kiss) crease….(kiss) crevice….(kiss) and all of it?”  Then he looked at me like .  That just made me feel so good.  I just thought that was so very sweet.  He really knows how to make me smile. 

Now for the real good part.  Me and Jae went to run some errands and I went to go weigh-in.  Guess what?!!!! I lost 15.8 pounds.  I am almost in VFT once again.  I’m back at 99.0 pounds gone!  I just about jumped out of my skin.  I was so happy.  I guess when you stress so much, that you really don’t even realize that you are doing it.  I haven’t even been drinking my water, exercising, or journaling.  I’ve only been doing right for the last 2 days, but I am so very happy with this weigh in, that it gives me that much more inspiration to keep going.  I am so happy.  Y’all just don’t know.  I got on the scale freaking out and guessing that I had gained 20 pounds.  Then when I saw 423.0 pop up, I was like, .  It was funny too because the girl that went in there with me looked like, . When she saw it.  Then I told her that I started out at 522, she was like .  She said, “Damn girl, what are you doing?”  I told her that I was on the stress diet.  Just stress the hell out until you don’t eat and there you have it.  Then I told her that for the most part, I follow Weight Watcher’s even thought I haven’t been doing it for a few weeks.  But, I told her that it really works.  I need to carry my before picture with me and let everyone see how much of a difference between the two.    This has been a good day.  I hung out with Jae all day, I realized that my sweetheart truly appreciates me as I am, and I lost 15+ pounds.  Could life be any better? 

Dear Diary,

Are you surprised to see me?  I know you didn’t think that I would be back for a few days after my post yesterday.  Well, I told you I would.  So, here I am.  Did ya miss me?

I have to admit that I have totally been off my weight loss plan since Jae and Beezie have been home.  There is no excuse.  I still should have been paying attention to everything regardless of what was going on with my life.   But, I didn’t.  I just have to suck it up and get back on track.  This morning was the day.  I’ve already had 6 servings of water, my vitamin, my calcium, and I’ve eaten breakfast.  True enough it was not all that healthy, I had some hot dogs and pork and beans, but it is still within my plan.  So, I’m going to start posting my food journal again tonight and hopefully I will be able to post to my activity points too.  It’s back on track for me.  My family is complete again and I don’t have any excuse but to do what I am supposed to do.  I have to think up another challenge for myself too.  I’m going to try to make it so that everyone here can join in too if you would like.  I’m not sure what exactly it will be yet though.  I’ll be thinking about it as I go throughout the day.

You know what, I am in a very silly mood.  I don’t know why, but I woke up happy as hell.  Wait!  I do know why!  You don’t even wanna know.  Ok, ok, you know I can’t hold water.  You know I gotta share with y’all!  Last night…well….yesterday was my first time ever having make up sex.  I know, I know, what the hell have I been doing all my life.  It’s just that if I’m pissed at you, ain’t no way in hell I wanna have sex.  Well, Beezie has a way of changing everything.  Ok, picture this.  Every single woman that knows him, wants him.  I’ve known this for the past 3 years we’ve been dealing with each other.  Well, I was on the phone with him and one of his “fans” came up to him.  Well, he says to her “What’s tha deal?!!!”  I hear her say “Shiiiiit, your dick in my mouth.”  I was instantly like .  Oh, I was HOT!!!! You could have fried an egg on my head.  Well, then royally curses her out and tells her to never speak to him again and how she not only disrespected him, but his wife too.  And, for that she has just fucked up and if she didn’t get the fuck out of his face right then, he would probably catch a charge.  Evidently she left because he got back on the phone and began apologizing that I had to hear that.  Well, I was like, .  I just didn’t wanna hear it.  I was instantly hot and I didn’t wanna hear shit from anybody.  I know it was not his fault and he can’t control what people say, but at that time, I was already pissed.  And nothing he could have said could calm me down at that point.  Well, he knew I was pissed and he was coming home so that I could handle some business with the car.  I hung up on him and he kept calling back trying to get me to talk to him and I wouldn’t.  So, I kept telling him that I was getting dressed and I would talk to him later. So, he knew that I was pissed.  So, he didn’t bring his narrow ass home and wouldn’t answer his cell phone.  Oh shit I was really pissed then.  So, being the billy bad ass that I swear I am, I’m like, “Fuck him, I don’t need that bastard to handle my shit!”  So, I began to walk to the bus stop.  I was finna get on the bus.  I got to the bus and realized that Jae was at home by herself and the phone company man was supposed to be coming and I didn’t wanna leave her by herself with a strange man.  So, I walk my happy go lucky fast ass home.  By then the phone was fixed and I was on the computer.  Then that bastard (Beezie) called.  I was like “What tha fuck do YOU want?!!!”  He was like, “Come on baby don’t do this.”  I’m like, “Don’t do this?!!!  What tha fuck?!!!!  You know I have business to handle and you didn’t come home with the car!  What tha fuck am I doing?!!!!”  He said, “I purposely stayed gone cause I knew you were gone start something when I come home and I don’t wanna argue baby!  Come on baby talk to me.”  I said, “Talk to me when you bring yo ass home.”  I don’t know if he could tell the connotations in my voice, but he said, “Wait baby, I don’t want you to think no crazy shit, I’m over to Auntie Moosie’s house baby…..see?”  Then his Auntie said, “Yes, Mikki baby, he’s been over here getting on  my damn nerves for about an hour and a half.”  I giggled because here this hard ass thug is trying to prove to his girl that he’s being a good boy.  It was too cute.  Well, he said that he was coming home right then and as soon as got home, I was on the computer.  He came over to me and gently poked me in the back of my head and said, “Um, can I talk to you in private Miss. Thang?”  I laughed cause I knew that he was pissed then.  So, I went into the room and sat on the head of the bed while he was sitting on the foot of the bed.  I refused to look at him.  He began talking and saying that I’ve always known how the women he knew were and that I had never let it bother me before so what’s the deal now?  I had to explain to him that knowing it and actually hearing it with my own ears is completely different.  I explained that it just hurt my feelings to actually hear a woman come on so strong to the man that I love.  I had to tell him that I knew he couldn’t control what women said to him but that it took me by surprise and for that spit second, I thought that he would actually consider allowing it to happen.    He went on explaining that, that would never happen and that I should know him enough to know that even if it did, he would come to me and tell me that something wasn’t right between us and we needed to fix it because he was thinking about straying.  I consider it a blessing that he is such an honest person, but at the same time, I don’t ever want to hear no bullshit like that.   He’s is so brutally honest that he actually would come and say “Mikki baby, we ain’t right and we gotta work on things now because this girl is peeking my interest and I don’t wanna do it.  But the fact that I’m even allowing her to peek it shows me that something ain’t right with us.”   That would piss me off even thought I’m glad he’s that honest.  But, I still wouldn’t like it.  Anyway, we were in the room and I was still acting mad because I love when he’s humble and makes himself vulnerable.  It just shows me how much he loves me because he would NEVER do that with anyone else…..not even his mother.  He would do his normal “I don’t give a fuck, shit you can stay mad” mode and just leave the situation.  But, he stayed there begging literally on his knees and saying how much bigger than this whole thing that we were.  He was actually getting ready to cry saying how much I mean to him and how he can’t function when I am upset with him and how it’s just not right.  I don’t know if you understand how much this means, but if you knew how much of a “hard thug” he is with every other single person in his life and how much he is such the opposite with me, you would understand.  If he knew that I was telling you all of this, he would kill me.  But, this was the funniest part I have ever experienced.  Ok, I was already not mad at him anymore, but I was still playing the roll.  No matter what he did, I was still playing mad at him.  So, I was finna get real cute.  I had picked out some clothes that I was getting ready to get dressed.  He asked if I was gonna get dressed in the room and I told him yeah.  Then it clicked that he was horny and wanted to try to get some.  Oh, you know I was like for real then.  I went in the bathroom to change.  He said, “That’s OK, I’ll go in there with you.”  I laughed and said, .  Well, I’m in the bathroom with the door locked.  He kept knocking on the door and I kept telling him to wait.  Well, that little fucker got a coat hanger and unlocked the bathroom door and walked in.  I was like, .  I hurried up and closed the door on him.  I rushed to get dressed and got out of there before he did it again.  Well I went back in the room and he was sitting on the foot of the bed and had a flick in the DVD.  I was like . So, I put on my cologne and was sitting on the head of the bed.  He tackled me and made me lay down.  He started begging me not to do this, how much he loves me, how we are Bonnie and Clyde, and how things just aren’t right like this.  I told him that we’ll finish talking about it later when I came back.  I got him off of me and walked toward the door.  He ran to the door and blocked it and said, “Mikki please!”  I said, “Move!”  He said, “Ok, Ok, you wanna do this?”  In one swoop he took off my shirt and bra….in a another swoop he took off my thongs and pants.  I was like !!!!  After the second swoop, he said, “You can go, but if you do, you goin’ butt ass naked!”  I thought I was gone pass out laughing.   That shit was sooooo funny! I ain’t never seen nothing so funny in my life.  And, what made it super funny was he was dead serious.  After he did it, he gave me a look as if to say, “Yeah, you got damned right I did it, now say something about it got damn it!”  I almost peed on myself.  I wish I could have filmed it.  I ain’t never got undressed that quick before.  After he saw how hard I was laughing he started laughing.  He calmed down and ran over and hugged me and said, “Baby, you my wife, I don’t care what woman comes up to me and says what, you are the one I love, I would never do anything to hurt you.  Do you love me? “  I said, “You piss me off, but you know I love you.  I will for the rest of my life.”  Well, the rest is history, but needless to say, my clothes were already off, so it made it a whole lot easier.  That damn boy is a fool. 

Well, I gotta clean up my house.  So, until later…..

Dear Diary,

Well let me tell you something.  Never, ever, ever, ever get AT&T for your local service. Why?  Because if something goes wrong with your telephone, you have to wait a damn week to get it repaired.  I did not have a dial tone to my phone for about a week now.  First, I called repair service and they sent an “outside wiring tech”.  Well,  Mr. Man didn’t find a problem, so did he knock on the door and tell me that he needed to check inside?  Nope.  Instead, I got a phone call from AT&T repair saying that the tech just left and they didn’t find a problem and that I had to call and schedule an “inside wiring tech”.  Why tha hell didn’t old boy just knock on the damn door and let me know that he was out there and the damn thing could have been fixed that same day.  Now, this was Wednesday.  So, they didn’t even have the balls to call me personally to tell me this.  It was a recorded message saying to call and schedule.  So, I call and schedule.  Then, these folks had the nerve to say Tuesday.  I’m like “This is damn Wednesday.   You mean to tell me that I have to wait almost a week?!!!”  I guess the lady knew I was hot because she said, “Ms. Jackson, I am so very sorry, but we have to go by what the computer tells us.  I am so very sorry, but there is nothing I can do.  But, I can give you a credit on your next bill.”  I’m like ….”just schedule the damn thing!”  She was so sweet and she made me feel guilty as shit because she said, “Ms. Jackson, again I am so very sorry, I don’t know why it is so far away.”  Then, me being the punk for a sweet person that I am, I instantly apologized and told her that I was sorry for snapping and it was not directed at her, it was directed at AT&T, and that I just got very irritated and I allowed it to take over my good sense.  It’s just that I have a site  that I have to update and I make my living on eBay and not having a dial tone prevents me from handling all my business.  She understood and I got off the phone feeling like crap.    But, today is Tuesday and it’s finally back on!  So, everything should be cool.

I know that I had not been posting for a few days prior to all this, but my grandmother passed and I had to take some time to myself because I had a very hard time dealing with it.  But, through a whole lot of prayer and realizing that He wanted his child home and I couldn’t be selfish and want to hold her here, I’m getting better.  She’s not hurting now.  She’s no longer suffering.  It’s still very hard, but little by little I’m getting back to me once again.

I swear, I believe that I am the only person that has to deal with so much stuff back to back to back, but I know He doesn’t put more on you than you can handle.  So, I’ll stick my chin out and take each punch, blow by blow and just hang in there, because after the storm, the sun will shine again.

I let myself get down again, but this time it didn’t last too long.  So, I guess I just might be growing up a little bit.

I have to go and get my eBay back together so I will have to post again later.  I just have to get this going.  I have just missed a week of money and ya girl gots to get paid!  So, until later…

Dear Diary,

Well, good lawd hammercy!!!!  When it rains it pours.  I’ve been getting emails cussing me out because I said I would post 3 times a week and I wasn’t.  I have been in a world wind all last week.   I got the shock of my life on Wednesday of last week. I was told that Jae was coming home Thursday!  I had so many mixed emotions that it was ridiculous. I’ll go into that on my post tomorrow.  I just wanted to share that I now have my family complete.  Both of my babies are home….Jae and Beezie are here.  Now, my family is complete!!!!   Thank you God!!!!

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s Monday, and less than a week before Beezie gets home.  But, you know what’s tripped out, I’m nervous as hell.  I don’t know if I’m truly at a point to be in a relationship.  I mean with so much stuff that is still going on with me, can I really give my all to someone.  Well, I guess  I have to get ready because it’s coming.  I can’t wait to go and pick my baby up!  I’ve already picked out his clothes and everything.  I’ve been a very busy bee this weekend and I’m still going strong.  I’ve been doing a whole lot of deep cleaning.  I just want him to come home to a super clean house.  I mean I’ve even pulled out the fridge and stove and cleaned up under it and behind it.  I still have a lot to do, but I’ve done so much.  His family is giving him a bar-b-que on Saturday and normally I would have jumped in and taken control to make sure it’s perfect.  But, not this time.  I haven’t even called to say if they wanted me to bring anything.  Hell, I’m bringing Beezie, so that’s enough.  I still have to do a few things though.  Like pay a couple of bills….get my nails done….do my feet….and a lot of other stuff too.  I just finished making my outfit for the bar-b-que, so I’m glad that’s out of the way.  I’ve washed clothes today, but I still have about 2 loads to go.  I’ve done so much that I know I’ve racked up major activity points.  I’ve done more lifting, vacuuming, dish washing, mopping, sweeping, and dusting that I’m gonna turn into a dust pan.   

I’m sooooooooo scared to make love to him too.  I have not been intimate in the last year and I’m nervous like a little school girl.  It’s like will be making love for the first time all over again.  I mean don’t get me wrong, your girl gone put da dayum thang down!!  But, I’m nervous. 

I’ve been trying to add stuff to my eBay too, but for some reason, it won’t let me.  I’ve got so much stuff to put on there and they are being assholes taking their sweet time to get back to me.  They need to hurry up! 

Anyway, it’s late and I’ve got to get up and run a lot of errands tomorrow so I’ll write again on Wednesday.

Until then….

Dear Diary,

First, thank you all so much for your kind words.  You all made me feel so much better.  I had to get away from everything for a few days.  I saw the direction I was headed and I had to get it under control and stop feeling so sad for myself.  I’ve pulled myself up by the bootstraps and have moved on.  I’ve been praying for a way to truly forgive myself.  It has not come yet, but I’m sure it will.  It’s only a matter of time.  So, I’m going to do my best to let it ride.  It might still mess with me, but I have to look over it and deal with the here and now and not with the there and then.  So, that is gone.  I’ve stayed away for a few days because I really had to get myself together and I couldn’t do it concentrating on everything and everyone else.  I felt guilty for not posting and actually almost did a couple of times, but then I said, “Mikki, above everything, you have to take care of yourself!”  So, I did.  I had to put myself first again.  And, I’m feeling so much better for it.

Now, lemme catch you up on a few things.  First, this is June.  My big baby is coming home veeeeery shortly.  I’m finally gonna get me some.  Speaking of that…..….I started my damn period today.  I ain’t had sex in a damn year and just when he’s supposed to come home, I start my fuckin period.  Ain’t that a bitch!  But, the funny part was I actually started praying that God would stop it soon and let it be a normal period.  I was like, “Mikki, you are praying for God to allow you to fornicate?!”  So I stopped, but secretly, I do still wanna pray about it.  So, tomorrow, I am going to get some birth control pills and take 2 per day until he’s been home for a couple of days and I get my “doing it” spell out of the way.  Then, I’ll stop and allow it to come back.  Damn that, I gotta get me some.  I can’t wait until I can take him home with me.  I haven’t’ been going to see him for the last few weeks because he says that it really hurts him to see me leave and he not come with me.  So, I’ve told him that since he was coming home very soon, I’ll just chill and wait until I can bring him home.  I really miss him and yep, the day he get’s home, you all won’t see me for that entire weekend or that Monday.   But, after that, I’ll be tired of him and I’ll be back. 

I’ve decided that with so much to do with eBay and trying to start my business, I will only be posting on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  See sometimes I don’t have anything to say and this way, I will have lots to say and it wouldn’t be just a boring post.  Yep, you guessed it, this is the Friday post.  So, I won’t post again until Monday.  Weekends are crazy with eBay and I really need some “me” time to take to myself.

I’ve gone to two Weight Watcher’s meetings this week.  I’ve actually been doing really good this week in spite of everything.  I’ve journaled, drank my water, and been eating right.  So, it seems as if I’m back on track.  I’ve had several inspirations this week.  A few that truly stuck out and touched me were someone from here sent me an email and said, “Self-esteem is mine.  God gave it to me and I’m going to get it back.  No one has the right to take it!”  That was so very powerful to me.  She was truly right.  My happiness is mine.  God gave it to me and NO ONE has a right to take it away.  I WILL get it back!  Then, the leader in one of the meetings said, “December is going to come guaranteed.  Where will YOU be when it does?”  That was so powerful to me because it basically told me that no matter if I wallow in self pity or make a go at life, time is going to pass.  It’s just what I do with it that will make the difference.  I mean, I knew that all the time, but something about the way it hit me was so powerful.  I still have not started back exercising and I ain’t gonna while I’m on my cycle.  It’s just not fair to have to walk on a treadmill while I’m bleeding.  Dammit, I ain’t gonna!  I’ll start the good kind of exercising the day he gets home. 

Life around my apartments have been a live Jerry Springer show.  I have mentioned my super ghetto neighbors across the yard.  They cranked it up a notch this week.  They started fussing with my neighbors and they all started fighting.  It was like the Hatfields and the McCoys.  I was all in my widow watching.  It was sooooo funny.  I didn’t have any popcorn, so I grabbed my Froot Loops and sat in the window.  I wanted to yell out “Jerry – Jerry – Jerry!!!” Then the security came and they called the police.  Well, after everything calmed down, the officer told everyone to go in their house.  The ghetto family stayed outside.  It was about 20 of them.  The officer said, “You have 5 seconds to go in the house.  All after that, every left comes with me.”  They scattered like roaches.  I wish I had a camcorder.  Shit I just thought about it, I could have taken pictures.  I normally try to break up any fight that I see.  But this time?  It was just too damn many of them and I am far too pretty to get hit. 

I don’t know why I get so sleepy that time of the month.  Well, I’ll catch up more on Monday.  I just wanted to say thank you and I truly appreciate each and every one of you for making me feel better.    And, you truly did.

See you Monday!

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s been a minute.  Thank you all for all your kind emails wondering how I’m doing and wanting to know if everything was OK.  I can’t answer all of them right now, so I’ll just tell you what’s been going on.

I’ve been failing.  I haven’t been posting either because I’ve felt so much like I’m failing that I couldn’t possibly be any type of inspiration to anyone.  I’ve been battling with my depression for a while now.  And, when I saw that I had gained 20 pounds back, it really kicked in.  I have not been eating right at all.  I’ve totally went back to being an emotional eater.  I haven’t journaled, I don’t drink my water like I should, and I’ve gone back to eating everything I shouldn’t.  I didn’t want that to be an example for everyone, so I just stayed away.

I’ve pretty much hit bottom again and no one knows.  So that makes it that much worse.  I’ve always been the queen of hiding my feelings and I do it so well now.  No one knows that I sit at home and cry all the time.  No one knows that I don’t even get dressed unless I’m leaving my house.  No one noticed that I don’t answer the phone that much.  No one noticed that I’m depressed all the time.  You know why, because I’m so fuckin bull headed that I don’t want to let anyone know.  I figure that no one goes through what I go through so I go through it by myself.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I need help.  I need major help to get back on track the way I was.  This is killing me.

I’m battling with with my depression because I have to do what’s best for my child even though I don’t want to.  We talked the other week and told me that she was scared of falling back into the same trap of what was going on when she came home.  She is doing extremely well now and she’s scared that when she comes back to Atlanta, she will see the same people she used to and she was scared that she would not continue to improve and go back to the same wrong crowd.  I was so proud of her because she was finally trying to better her life herself and that was the most mature thing she has ever said.  I was happy and very proud of her.  Then came the blow of how much of a fuck up I was.  How fucked up it was that I could not shelter her from this crowd to begin and then how I can’t guarantee her that I would shelter her from them once again.  I wish she was a baby again and I could start all over.  I feel like such a damn failure as a mother.  Please don’t respond to this that it is not my fault.  Because it is.  I don’t care what nobody says, I should have checked that bastard out!  I should have known of his past.  I should have ran a background check on him!  I should have known!!!!!

Now I have to be without my baby at home even longer because of my fuck up.  Because I was too fucking blinded with love to run a background check…now all this is happening.  I just want a huge eraser and erase everything from April 2000 and the 2 years before that when I met his fucked up ass.  Now, here I sit once again, having to have my heart ripped out.  I’m here crying everyday because I have to do what’s best for her life and put my feelings aside.  I have to let her stay where she feels safe and wants to continue to do so well.  But, I want my baby home so bad.  She’s 16 now and these are the years that I’m supposed to tell her about dating and she’s supposed to be getting ready to go the prom and looking at colleges.  But because of me and my fucked up judgment none of this is happening.  I wanna see her, I wanna hold her, I wanna make everything alright.  I want her to come home.  FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!!!