Dear Diary,

I am so proud of me.  I sometimes do only .5 miles on the elliptical trainer, but today, I walked 2 miles up and down hills.  I was over to Eric’s house today.  (by the way, shuddap, I know I’m a punk for going to see him )  But it turned out to be a true blessing.  I needed a new food journal and I went to one of the meetings.  I don’t normally do meetings because I just cant see paying someone $12 a week just for them to weigh me.  Some people need the support of a personal group, but I get my support here and on the WW support board, so I don’t normally attend a meeting unless I need some supplies.  Anyway, Eric went with me and I got totally inspired to do some sort of exercise.  Well, he lives near Stone Mountain here in Georgia and he is used to walking it.  Now, Eric is no skinny minny, but that big ass boy got hella energy.  He’s the one that can dance all damn night long.  Anyway, I told him that I wanted to walk the trail and he said he would do it with me.  So, we went back to his house and he changed clothes and we went to the park.  I’m thinking this would be kind of easy.  Well, fuck no!!! This is a street divided for biking, walking and cars.  One lane is a one way for the cars, and the other lane is divided in half for the bicycles and walkers, or you can just walk on the side walk.  As soon as you go up one hill, you are going down another just to go up another.  It was like that the entire way.  It was so hard.  They have markers on the ground on the trail.  I was so happy when I got to the 1/2 mile mark.  Because I knew that we would have to walk back and that would total one mile.  Then, being the crazy person I am, I said that we could keep going.  What the fuck was I thinking.  So, I agreed to go to the 1 mile walk thinking that he would walk back by himself and go get the car and come pick me up.  He wouldn’t.  He started boosting me up to do it and walk back too.  He knew how much this meant to me.  He knew that I wanted to do this for myself and he wouldn’t let me quit.  He began to play with me and flirt, and act like he was trying to get me to go home with him.  That tickled me for a minute, then came the uphill part and I told him to shut the hell up so I could concentrate.  I was so damn tired, I had to take off my jewelry because it began to irritate me.  Then, to top it off, I was cold.  So, he took off his jacket and gave it to me to put on.  I did.  Then I got hot.  It irritated me more being hot, so I told him I was hot and he took the jacket off for me.  I couldn’t lift my arms.  It puzzled me that my triceps were burning.  I was not using my arms at all, but they began to burn.  Then, the whole time, my hips burned so bad.  He started massaging them as I was walking, but then that irritated me too, so I told him to quit.  Then, we got close to the end, and the huge hill was in front of me. Now, when we were going down this hill, I said, “Shit, I’m so glad we are going down instead of coming up!” Now here we were finna go up it.  Oh, I called on the Lord for strength big time.  Then, about 1/4 of the way up, I realized I would really have to push myself.  I began to use Beezie’s saying and I began to cuss the hill out.  I looked at the hill and said, “You ain’t nothing but a lil’ bitch!  I’m finna take my dick out and fuck tha shit out of you!  You don’t scare me!  I can do this and got damn it, you are not gonna stop me!”  Eric turned around and said, “Um, you ok?  You ain’t got no dick! You need to see the man with the pen and pad!”  I told him this is how I talk to psych myself up so that I can finish my workouts.  He was like.  Then he started talking about his Army days and he started saying caters.  I would say them with him and it actually worked.  It really did give me a little energy.  Then, when we could see the car, I stopped and gave him a hug and told him thank you for pushing me and being here with me.  This was a major milestone for me.  And, if someone was not there giving me that extra push, I might not have finished it.  I am so proud of myself.  I’m taking out 2003 with a bang!!!!!  This is a major victory for me! 

I gained 2.8 pounds this week.  I don’t know why, but after today, I don’t really care.  This more than makes up for it.  And, I kind of deserved it after Christmas.  Thank the Lord, the holidays are OVER!!!!  Now, it should be the way it should have been and the weight just beginning to fall off. 

Well, I hope everyone has a Happy New Year.  I’m not sure if I will be able to post tomorrow.  I have a lot of stuff to do again, and I’m going to a party to bring in the New Year.  So, just in case I don’t.  Thank y’all for the total support you have been giving me and helping me make it through 2003.  And, I will see you next year!!!

Dear Diary,

I am soooooooooooo tired.  I haven’t had a day where I wasn’t ripping and running for about a week now.  I gotta get some sleep.  So, this one will be short.

I went to Ma’s today to eat the rest of Christmas dinner.  She hates leftovers at her house so all of us always have to come back over and finish them off.  Well, we did.  I was soooooo tired, so I didn’t stay long.  I ate and left.  Actually, they hadn’t even eaten yet, they were still washing their cars.  I told them, I’m eating and leaving, and that’s just what I did.  And, I did pretty good eating too.  I didn’t go overboard or anything.  My mother called me before I left though and said that she needed me to stop at the store to get some milk.  Well, I had to go to Walgreen’s before I went to her house, so I told her I would pick it up there.  Well, I went one Kroger because it is a Citi-Center where they have a lot of other shops inside it and around it.  I went there to go to the jewelry store.  I wanted to get a sterling silver “B” and “J” chain for myself.  Those are Beezie’s and Jae’s initials and I wanna get them for me to wear.  Well, they were closed, and if I was smart, I would not have left to go to Walgreen’s.  I would have gotten the milk anyway, but nooooooooooooooo I thought I was gonna get it at Walgreen’s.  So, my dumb ass left.  Well, I went to Walgreen’s and they didn’t have the milk.  All they had was whole milk and 2%.  We only drink 1% milk.  I called Ma and she said that she didn’t want that one and to go get the 2% one.  So, I knew I had to go to Wal-Mart anyway, so I thought I would just get it there. Yep, they didn’t have the 1% either.  So, I bought some Smart One’s entrees and Cheesecake and left.  Kroger was across the street, so I went there.  This makes the 3rd damn store.  So, they had it.  Yep, I was a happy camper.  Then I saw the Smart One’s Entrees for 40% off.  So I bought several.  Then when I get to the check out, first, the broad was real slow.  Then, the register was not ringing it up correctly.  I literally stood there 12 minutes to try to get someone over there to fix it.  They finally did.  So, now, I was pissed.  I left and went to Ma’s house.  I really didn’t feel like being bothered then.  I fussed a little, and I ate and left.  I was originally going over there to make my sister 2 doggie beds for the dog I gave her, and her dog.  But, by then the mood was ruined, so I just brought them home to make them. 

Now, I’m home, in a dirty house, because I haven’t had time to clean up in a week.  And guess what, I’m not gonna until tomorrow morning.  Dammit, I don’t feel like it right now and I’m not gonna.  I’m gonna finish this entry, check my email, and then sit on my ass and not to a got damn thing.    I might not even breathe every now and then, just ’cause I can.  I’m not getting in the shower until tomorrow morning.  I’m not washing dishes until tomorrow morning.  As a matter of fact, sitting in this chair is too much damn effort.  I’m gonna go lay in my bed and watch TV, and I hope I fall asleep! 

Dear Diary,

Today was the most wonderful day I have had in such a long time.  The end was bitter sweet, but I loved every minute of it.  I got to see my baby today.   She looked so different.  She’s actually gotten a little bit taller.  She has to be every bit of 5′11″ if not 6′.  She was so pretty.  As we were getting closer to where they were, I started getting anxious and I just wanted them to hurry up and get to us.  When she finally got there, we looked like those people in those old commercials.  It was like we were running towards each other in slow motion with our arms wide.  When I finally got to her, I didn’t want to let go.  We were going to the house mother’s grandmother’s house for a little while so that Jae could open her presents.  When we got there, the grandmother reminded me of my grandmother so much.  She was so feisty.  You could just tell that she would cuss you out without a second thought.  That’s just how my grandmother was and it was really funny.  Then Jae started opening all the presents.  That kid had so many presents until it became ridiculous.  She was literally opening presents for an 45 minutes.  And, she was opening them fast and furious.  Then we all just sat around talking.  The house mother said that Jae was going to begin to go back to the doctor that she bonded with for one on one counseling.  So that was a blessing.  She will finally begin to get what she went down there for, and the process for her coming home will really get going.  I noticed a couple of things that concerned me, so I will be going into the courts this week coming up to get them straight.  

We went to out to eat shortly after that.  We went to the Chinese Buffet.  I knew I had basically blown this week with eating, so I stayed away from the carbs.  It was nice because my baby stayed under me the entire time we were there.  When I say she stayed under me, I mean Jae was glued to my side.  If I pooted, she would have felt it.  The Chinese place was no different.  She would not go fill her plate unless I was right there.  I would have to follow her if she wanted to go to a part of the buffet that I didn’t want to.  I was laughing the whole way.  Normally, I am never a “touchy-feely” type of person with any  member of my family.  I normally have issues when I hug or kiss any member of my family.  But this time I was.  I really missed my baby and I didn’t care if she would have been in my coat with me.  It was really nice having her around.  We got a couple of minutes alone and I asked her how she was doing and she said “fine”.  I know my baby and I know her “fine”.  Everything is not fine.  And, I’m going to find out what the hell is going on.  She’s very close to “Granny” and her granddaughter Kenya.  That’s a true blessing.  She has people to vent with.  I know her and even when she used to get mad at me, she had no one to vent with and that was part of the problem to begin with.  She needed an outlet to vent her frustrations.

Ok, I’m beginning to tell too much.  I don’t know if it’s noticed, but I really don’t get into details about Jae and what’s gone on or what’s going on.  Certain things should just stay private.  And, I gotta protect my baby. 

But anyway, I’m glad she has them to talk to.  And it’s funny, because those are the two that I instantly fell in love with.  They are sweethearts.  When it was time to leave, that was so hard.  I tried to be strong for her sake, but I couldn’t.  I just didn’t want to let her go.  We stood there for so long just hugging.  I told her how proud I was of her that she was doing good and how much I loved her.  I told her to keep it up and it wouldn’t be long before she was home.  She is actually trying to help herself, and that’s the first step.  My baby is finally growing up.  I took so many pictures of her and I wanted to put one up here, but I want to keep my baby safe the way she is and not expose her to the world yet.  But as soon as we get back to the way we are supposed to, I’m putting up a family picture.

Anyway, the prayers are working. Please keep them coming.  This is one part of my life that seems to be slowly but surely improving.  Every day away from her is so hard.  But, every day away is another day closer to us being the way we are supposed to be.  So, with that in mind, I am able to put my wanting her home aside long enough for her to get the counseling she needs to make her life right.  But, I really miss my baby and I want her home. 

Dear Diary,

Well, I don’t know how to judge Christmas.  It was really good and really bad at different times.  How about I start with the bad first, and then end up on a good note.  I’m trying to stay positive, and I need to leave it on a good note.  So, the bad….

My family pissed me off to the ut most yesterday.  They got stared on me about Jae.  They asked my plans for when she comes home.  I told them.  Well, they didn’t agree.  As usual, my mother totally misunderstood what I was saying and began to read her own shit into it.  I quickly told her that it was wrong.  My sister, the bitch of the family, started to tell me how wrong I was about every damn thing in my life.  I got, I need to move from where I am, to Beezie needs to be out of my life, to I need to have a regular 9-5 job, to Mikki is basically just a total fuck up all the way around.  This is the reason I only associate with them twice a year.  And, as usual, I have totally had my fill for 2003.  Now, to top all this shit off, she goes into this spill about how vulnerable and emotional it will be Saturday when I go see Jae with the everyone.  She went on and on about how it might not be a good idea for me to go with them.  This bitch done went and lost her fucking mind if she thinks I’m not going to see my daughter Saturday.  So, I flip it back on her.  I told her, “Ok, you seem to have all the answers to make my life perfect, give me what you suggest I should do.”  This bitch had the fucking nerve to say, “Hell, I don’t know, that’s your life.”  I looked at her just like that.  Turned my head and just let it go.  In my head, I’m thinking, “Your ass has got all the fucking answers for what I’m doing wrong in my life, but when I ask you how the fuck to correct it, your bitch ass has the nerve to fucking say that you don’t know and to finally fucking realize that this is my fucking life?  If you don’t know how to fix it, shut the fuck up about how fucked up it is.  Do that shit and give me some got damn suggestions, or shut the fuck up!”  Now, I didn’t say it because I know me, and I would have said it just like that, and my mother was sitting between us and I don’t cuss in front of my mother.  So, as usual, around my family my punk ass just sucked it up and let it go.  I swear, those are the only people that can get me that fucking furious that damn quick.  I hate that I still suck it up around them.  I could have told her that same shit without the cuss words since my mother was there, but instead I didn’t.  Oh I get so fucking mad at myself.

Then, they don’t believe me about my weight loss.  They say that they can’t see it.  Da hell?  How the fuck cant you see it.  Is it just me? Is this not  a huge fucking difference?

Am I crazy?  ‘Cause it’s like night and fucking day to me.  I mean, I know I have an ass load of weight to lose, but got damn I see a major fucking difference.  This shit hurt me beyond belief.  They teased me about what I was eating and saying shit like, “You are way over your points” and laugh hard as hell.  Then they would do other cruel shit like say, “See, we knew you were lying.  You not on Weight Watchers.”  I took my on plan stuff with me.  Like I took the butter spray, Equal, low fat popcorn and my light bread.  Well, I picked up my bread at one time, and they laughed.  They began going on and on about how much I had ate.  Well, that pissed me off.  But, as usual, with my family I was a punk.  But, I did tell them, “Look, I’ve done this without y’alls help for this long, I don’t need you to tell me how to lose weight.  Y’all weren’t there for the first 75 pounds, and knowing y’all you won’t be there for the next 200.  Now, shut up!”  I hate when I go through this and my mother is sitting there.  Cuss words just make more of an impact, and if she wasn’t there, I would cuss ‘em tha fuck out!  Bitch asses!!!!  This one really pissed me off, whereas the one about Jae hurt me.  But, you know what, FUCK ‘EM!!!  I have done so much better without their negative asses in my life, and damn it, I’m going to continue.  As my baby Beezie says when people make me mad or hurt me, or show that they don’t believe in me, “Let that make your dick hard and push you to do better!”  And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  I’m going to use this experience to push me to do better.  So, fuck ‘em.  Fuck ‘em all!!!  When I’m to my goal weight and smaller than every one of them, they will see.  Until then, it’s all about getting my life right in all cases.

Rod tripped out on me and called his self breaking up with me and I didn’t even know we were together.  I was like, .  What da hell?  I died laughing!  I was like, .  Hell, I thought the boy had finally flipped his lid and I was looking for the nearest exit.  We started talking about Beezie and he asked questions that I refused to answer and he just snapped.  He stared yelling, “Fuck it, fuck it, I’m fucking tired of your bullshitin’ stubborn ass.  Fuck it!”  I was confused as fuck.  I didn’t know where all this was coming from. Then he said the funniest shit. He actually said, “Mikki, I don’t want you to be hurt, but I can’t do this anymore, it’s over.”  I died laughing!  I thought…Ok, this boy had officially lost it.  I looked at him and said, “It’s over?  Um… when did it start?!!!  We are not together….never were.  What tha fuck?!!!  Are you crazy?!!!”  He looked at me so hurt.  He acted like I had just stole his dog or something.  He started flippin’ for real then.  He said, “Have men boosted your head up that much that you think you are a dime piece?”  Now that was some funny shit.  I told him, “See unlike you who looks for other people for their own self worth, I look within myself sweetheart.  It took a long as time for me to get to this point, and mother fucker I know I’m a dime, inside and out, you pussy ass nigga!  Now why the fuck are you still in my car?”  This mother fucker flipped on me again and says, “Mikki, I love that confidence about you, we can make this work.”  Ok, so now, I was really like   .  I told him, “Rod, your ass got issues and I’m not the one to deal with them.  I’ve got too damn many issues of my own to worry about yours too.  Get the fuck out of my car before I make you get out, and trust me you don’t want that.”  and I began to reach under my seat.  He said, “Fine Mikki, just call me tomorrow and we will talk about it.”  I died laughing.  The funniest shit is if he would have pulled my hold card, I would have been fucked up.  It wasn’t shit up under my seat, but hell, he didn’t have to know that.  I made it seem like I had a gun.  It wasn’t shit there but lint.  Oh Lawd, that boy was a fucking nut case. 

Ok, now for the good about Christmas……

I spoke to Beezie twice.  That’s my baby.  I swear I love the hell out off that boy.  He makes me feel so much better. 

I got some good shit for Christmas….

Mother	-Coach purse -Coach wallet -Gas card – I’m always lying about not coming down there with them because I don’t have any gas.  This one was funny as hell.
“Holyer than thou” sister	-a good self-help book about finding your purpose.  She is the only sister who kind of understands my struggles.  She too is a blacksheep of the family, but her’s is for being too “goody-goody”.  Mine is for being bad.  But still, she can relate to not fitting into our crazy ass family. -a card that she wrote “The race is not given to the swift or the strong but to the one who endures to the end.”  Whew Lawd, I cried. -$75.00
“I don’t give a fuck” sister	-Donna Karen’s Cashmere Mist cologne gift set – the big bottle of cologne, the purse bottle, lotion, and body wash lotion.  I asked for this way back when and the fact that she remembered was really sweet to me.
middle sister and nephew	-$75.00

So, all in all, the gifts were very good.   Now, that I’ve had my bitch session and ended it on a good note, I gotta go get stuff ready for going to see my baby tomorrow.  This little girl wants every damn thing.  She read off a list to me.  So, some of the gifts I got her are going back, and I’m going to get what she wanted.  Expensive ass heffa.  Aiight, I got a lot of shit to do, so until later….

Dear Diary,

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although I celebrate Christmas, I want everyone to have a happy and safe holiday, whatever holiday it may be.  Just be sure to be safe first and foremost.

I’ve been a busy little beaver today.  I still have a lot of stuff to do and I’m  no where near finished.  But, I’m getting my stuff together to go to my mother’s house.  All my family spends every Christmas Eve night over to my mom’s.  So, I gotta pack my Christmas presents, the cookies, and my bag.  I am taking my “on-plan” items over there with me.  Like, if I want a snack, I’m taking my low fat ham lunch meat and my light bread.  I know she has regular bread and I just wanna keep my points low.  Also, they love chips, but I’m taking my 94% fat free popcorn and my butter spray so that I can stay low.  I’m also going to take my WW exercise video so that I can get my activity points in.  We are having Cajun Fried Turkey for dinner tomorrow, and I’m gonna eat it.  I gotta work my ass off and earn a lot of APs because I’m gonna eat.  I just gotta keep myself in check.  I don’t want another Thanksgiving gain. 

Since I am spending the night, I might not be able to write tomorrow, but at any rate, I got to get to gettin’.

Be safe!!!!

Dear Diary,

My weigh in was actually cool.  I only lost .8 but I actually expected a gain since the last 2 weeks were such good losses.  So, I will actually take it thankfully.

Hey, have you all seen the body challenge coming January 10th from the Discovery Health Channel?   I’m going to go and do it so that I can get the free 3 month pass to Bally’s.  I just wanna actually try a gym now.  I wanna see if it is all it’s cracked up to be.

Now, *clearing throat*  I’ve got too  much to do!!!!!  I’ve got to make 4 different cookies for 7 different households.  I should have started 4 days ago.  Not to mention, I have to clean up…. wash 4 loads of clothes….. wrap gifts…..make one of Jae’s gifts…a hat scarf and gloves…. I have to make my sister’s 2 dog beds…. get my stuff ready for spending the night over Ma’s house…. I say…. One good thing is done, I’ve updated the site.  So that’s good right?

So, I gotta go get to bakin’. 

PS I forgot to mention that since today is a low point day, I have to fight the urge to eat the damn peanut butter, oatmeal raisin, chocolate chip, and snowball cookies and the dough.  I just can’t afford the points.  It’s going to be like a dope addict working for a drug dealer selling drugs.  Please pray for me!!!!

Dear Diary,

Well today was very eventful.  I got a call from my baby Beezie finally.  We talked about 5 or 6 times.  We joked about how the phone bill will be as much as rent.  I really miss him and I am so very glad he was able to sneak and call.  He made my week.  We just giggled and talked like we were teenagers and didn’t wanna get off the phone.  Every time he called back, it was better and better.  I really love the hell out of this boy, and I cant wait to get him home.  And towards the end….well….lets just say .  I just wrote him a 29 page letter yesterday and today’s letter was 20 pages.  Now, it’s his turn to pay catch up with me and mail off a whole lot of letters. 

Now, with today being my super high day with points, I had a ball.  I had some KFC and some Sonny’s Bar-B-Que.  Sonny’s garlic bread is the best.  And, I had some sunflower seeds and grapefruit juice.  I haven’t had some Minute Maid grapefruit juice in so long and it was like I had won the damn lottery.  I was like for real. 

Ok, now for the fun.  Ok, when I was at home in Gary, Indiana for Thanksgiving, I bought some jewelry that I really didn’t need.  It was for $100 and I knew that I would eventually take it back.  I couldn’t do it before we left Gary, but I knew I was gonna do it here in Atlanta.   So, today I went to Kohl’s to return it.  Well, first I was looking like a true bum.  I knew I was gonna go Christmas shopping and get all of it done in one day, so I was comfortable as hell.  I just had on my black stretch pants, white t-shirt, white and grey Nike gym shoes, and my leather black swing coat.  I was not looking my cutie pie self, I was extremely casual.  I didn’t look like I had too much money I must admit.  Well, the sales lady was an older Caucasian woman.  First, she looked at me as if I was a bum and tried to blow me off and go to the affluent Caucasian couple.  I was like .  Now, I know my instant temper and quick smart ass mouth.  So, the temper came out.  I said in a very loud voice, “Um, excuse me miss, I was next in line.  You can come and assist me here.”  She reluctantly came. She said, “What do you need?”  I told her, “I need to return these please.”  I was trying to be nice because I knew I had a lot of shit to return.  She looked at me in disgust and got the items and my receipt and walked away towards the register.  I kind of giggled.  Well, I glanced at her while she was doing it and I caught her shake her head at me and whispering to her co-worker.  Then her co-worker looked at me too.  Ok, see, now it was on.  Now, I was pissed.  But, I let it go and didn’t say anything.  Then this lil bitch came over to me, laid the money on the counter instead of in my hand, put the paper for me to sign down without saying a word and stood there.   Ok, so I signed it, picked up my money and turned around.  That’s when I began to shop.  It was then my mission to totally piss her off.  So, when she tried to walk away, I said, “Um, excuse me, I’m not finished.  I need to see this watch.”  The watch was $320 and she looked at me and actually had the nerve to say, “That’s $320.”  I said, “And your point?”  She sighed and got the watch and just sat it on the counter.  I said, “That is really pretty, I will take it.  I would also like to see this.”  It was gold and Sapphire necklace and earrings.  It was $210.  She got it.  I said, “Yes, add this one too.  And, let me see that.”  I was pointing to another gold and diamond necklace that was $299.  I said, “That will be all.”  and gave her the sweetest evil smile she could ever have.  So, her attitude began to change and she was so happy.  She was all friendly and shit.  But then, it was too late. She had done went and pissed me off.  So, she rang it up and told me my total and was walking back over to me to get the money.  I pulled out a nice little stack of money.  I only had $700, but it was only 2 $100 bills and the rest was $20s, $10s, $5s, and $1s, so it looked like I had a lot more on me.  I made sure I pulled it all out so that she could see that if I had all my money with me, I could buy her.  Hell, I probably could have bought her for the $700 I had.  Anyway, I paused for a minute right before I handed her the money and said, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind again.  I’m going somewhere to buy this stuff from someone who appreciates my business instead of with a tight assed bitch who works for $5 a hour.  Merry Christmas.”  I blew a kiss at her and left.  I held in my laugh until I left out of the store, but when I got outside, I died laughing.  I almost pissed on myself ’cause it was so funny.  The people that had been waiting a long time evidently saw what she was doing, because as I began to walk away, I heard the woman say, “Good for her!”  I had a ball.  It was too funny.  I released a lot of tension on her, but if she wasn’t so damn rude, she would not have gotten the but of it.  I had fun!

I gotta update the eating log tomorrow too.  I lost weight this week, but I’m not gonna talk about how much or how I feel about it until tomorrow. 

Anyway, until later….

Dear Diary,

Actually, today was pretty uneventful.  I am redoing the website for launch on January 1st.  Just a new look, new attitude, and new way of doing things.  I pray I can have it done by then.  I went to go give Rod a ride home, and I saw my ex-boyfriend’s father.  I didn’t even realize who he was at first.  I need to get $1000 worth of work on the car and he said he would help me out and do the stuff for me for the low-low.  So that was a blessing.  I saw one of my skeletons from my closet today.  I was like .  I’m just thankful that Beezie was not there.  They know each other.  Anyway, I wrote Beezie a 29 page letter today.  I guess I had a lot of stuff to say.  I sent Jae another letter and a card, and I took the other extra Christmas items to my mother’s house.  It was basically uneventful.  I guess I should be grateful that I had a no drama day.  Tomorrow is weigh-in day.  Pray for me. 

Dear Diary,

Ok, now see…it’s some shit going on.  I don’t particularly care for my father’s wife.  I never have.  It’s nothing personal, I just don’t like the way I found out he was married and I kind of took that out on her.  See, he and I used to be somewhat close.  And, one day, he sent my mother a check that had Mr. and Mrs. J on it.  So, I called him and asked him about it.  He told me that yes he was married and I quit talking to him for years.  I was so mad at him, I couldn’t even see straight.  I have only spoken to this woman like 4 times in my life.  Now keep in mind that her and my father have been together for over 15 years.  So that averages out to talking to her about once every year and a half.  Well, for some reason, she has called me twice within the last month.  Now, sometimes she would dial the number for my father and give him the phone when I got on the phone, but this was not like that.  He even got on the phone and said, “Mik, I don’t know what VJ wanted, she just asked for your number.”  Da hell?  He gave her back the phone and she didn’t want shit.  She asked about Jae and how everyone was doing.  Then she asked about my mother.  What tha fuck is this about? 

Dear Diary,

Ok, you all have shocked the hell out of me.  I came back and looked at all the responses and positive emails I’ve gotten and I guess this was a good idea to marry myself.  I hope all of you that want it, take it and do the same.  It really meant a lot to me to marry myself.  And, please…please….take the idea and run with it. I was bawling like a little baby as if I was standing in front of a minister getting ready to marry my future husband. It really touched my heart and I actually felt the marriage to myself. The commitment to me should have come a long time ago, but it’s never too late. And I am so thankful that this came into my head and made me do it.

Thank you all so much. It seems as though this step has given me back the determination I had at first. Yesterday was so OP until I could have held my own Weight Watcher’s meeting. I told everyone I saw that I just got married. They looked like “Why is it on your right hand?” I told them because the left hand is for my future husband if I ever get one, but this is on the right hand because it’s the “right” thing to do to marry myself and be honest and faithful to me first. I’m even considering sending out wedding announcements. The best part was the wedding night with myself.

Seriously though…if you want to do it, it’s very inexpensive. Well, for me it was. I already had the ring. But, it is just a sterling silver ring. That’s all I wear is silver. The stones are in no way real, but it’s the best $7.95 I’ve ever spent on a ring. So, just write your vows to yourself as want to. Express what you is most personal to you, and get the ring and get by yourself and vow it to yourself as if you were your husband/wife. That’s all. But that simple thing has meant the world to me.

Now for this morning.  Ok, I said that I was gonna date a lot of men right?  Ok, so yep, I went out with Rod again.  Oh hush, I know the damn boy is young, but shit, I didn’t wanna sit at home.  Ok, so again he started talking about Beezie.  This is why I can’t find someone special.  The men I meet are entirely too insecure about me and Beezie.  Anyway, he got out the car pouting like a lil’ biotch and thought I was supposed to follow him.  I left.  This fool had the balls to call me and ask me why I left.  I couldn’t do anything but laugh and say, “Please tell me you are not serious.”  He was serious.  I simply told him “Because you got out the car pouting like a lil’ girl.  If I wanted to date a broad, I would.  I thought you were a man.  Bye lil’ boy.” And I hung up the phone.  I’m  just fed up and I’m not taking no more shit from no one.  To me, that was just a stupid damn question.  Yet again, he tickled me.  I swear sometimes you just gotta shake your head and realize, they are just men. 

Dear Diary,

Well, I’m feeling a little upset with myself.  I didn’t work out at all yesterday.  I walked around shopping, but I should not just be doing that,  I should be doing at least a tape or the elliptical trainer.  So, I gotta get off my ass and get to gettin’.

I absolutely looooooooove the show Starting Over.  I swear, this is truly my therapy show.  From the first, I have been able to relate to a few people on this show and use what they are going through and relate it to my life and gradually, I am getting better day by day.  Like now, I relate to several ones…

Karen is a costume designer for strippers trying start over by breaking into main stream life.  I can relate to her because I am a seamstress, but more so because she knows how difficult it is to put that part of yourself that you take so much pride in, out there for the world to be able to reject.  A lot of people might not know it, but it is extremely hard for a creative person to open up.  We think of our projects as creations and extensions of ourselves.  And because each and every project is a reflection on us personally, it takes a lot to open yourself up and put yourself up for rejection to world.  If you create something, that’s something so deep within you, you want to protect it and if someone doesn’t like it, as at least one prick always does, it hurts beyond belief, and you want to give up.  I guess deep down, that’s why I don’t put myself out there like I should be.  I know I’m talented with sewing crafts, and crocheting, but I protect it.  Hopefully watching Karen on the show and what she is going through will give me the tools to get off my duff and really get stuff going with my own sewing and crocheting.  I mean sista girl gots skills and I need to be showing them off to everyone freakin’ one I see.  And, I know I will do it, I just need to leap out there on faith and get to going.

Jennifer has control issues and loves everything to go perfect. I can’t relate to this at all. Ok, ok, so I’m totally lying.  Talk to any man in my life and they will tell you, I have MAJOR control issues.  But their opinions don’t count.  Seriously though, I do not like to delegate at all.  I just have to take on everything and do it myself so that it will be perfect and just the way I want it.  I don’t know where the hell this trait came from. Could it be my mother that is the exact same?  My sister’s would get a kick out that statement.  My mother is so damn controlling, that she would have to alphabetize her canned goods so that she could read them perfectly.  And, every label had to be facing the front.  I’m not quite that bad.  But, my control comes in with releasing control of my heart or like if I’m planning a party or something.  No one can do things quite right.  All of a sudden, all the capable, wonderful people become incapable little twits.  So, doing some of her assignments will help me let this go. 

Teresa is a in debt pack rat that is trying to sell her stuff to get out of debt.  I’m in debt too and I am definitely using her assignments to get out of debt, but the most part is the pack rat part of me.  I have shown this with my storage room, but what I haven’t shown is all the junk I have to get ready to sell.  It really makes no sense whatsoever.  And, to top it off, Teresa is going to sell most of her stuff on eBay too.  I’m just gonna learn all over the place. 

But, my favorite right now is PJ.  She is a Mormon dealing with her beliefs and her weight and just plain old trying to find herself.  Now, the dealing with beliefs, I can’t associate with because I know, trust and believe in my Lord and savior.  But, the others, I totally can.  Naturally, my weight because um duh…I’m here.  But the trying to find myself is a biggie for me too.  I don’t feel like I really know me.  I feel like the real me is somewhere below all of this extra weight.  I feel like the real me is even more confident than I already am.  I feel like the real me is more patient.  I feel like the real me really is more self loving than I am now.  And, I’ve got to find me.  In time, I know I will. Although I know weight loss is a big thing and it’s very hard, it’s actually a very small part of the whole me.  And I am in desperate search of the real me.  And PJ’s assignments and seeing what she’s going through and doing some of them myself will allow me to begin to find myself.  Like today, she has to go through a maze as sort of a “self reflection” type thing.  I know I can’t do that because we don’t have one here in Atlanta, but she has to wear things that she can really relate to.  When Karen was trying to find something that meant a lot to her, she said she knew she would be wearing a ring.  She went and got the ring and told what it was about.  It was a promise ring she bought for herself.  Her ring meant that she would stay a virgin until she got married.  I thought about a ring that I already bought for myself that I don’t really wear yet and how it can be my promise ring to myself that I will be true to myself and do what is best for me, thus being better for Jae.  For some reason, that ring thing struck a nerve with me and it actually can be a very powerful tool to my success.  Sort of like marrying myself.  This is why I love this show.  I can really relate to these women.  Now, I gotta go write my vows to myself.

Dear Diary,

Well, I did it.  I’m married to me.  I figure like this.  I know how much effort I put into my relationships with men.  Now, it’s my turn to put that much effort into myself.  It’s high time that I love me like I normally love someone else.  I need to put me first like I always put other people.  So, today, I am marrying myself.  I have a wedding ring that I will never take off again.  Wanna see?

That’s it….that’s my wedding ring to myself.  Isn’t it purty?  I’m never-ever going to take it off. 

The ceremony was beautiful.  I was casual and didn’t dress up.  In fact, I just sat at my computer desk with only a pair of pants on and married myself.  And yes, I was crying like a baby.  But, you know what, every time I look at my ring, I will know that I mean a hell of a lot to me.  And it is my new commitment to myself to do this and become a better me. Here are my vows from my inner healthier self to my outer unhappier self….

All those are happy tears.  I say stuff and mean it like that to people I love and dammit, it’s about time I said it and meant it to myself.

Today is a wonderful day! 

Dear Diary,

What’s up?  You know what, I’m going through so much stuff that it’s actually becoming funny to me.  Beezie wrote me and made me feel good.  I had to go to court today for Jae.  It was just an update on everything and to see how she was doing where she was.  And, it is really good news.  She is doing very well and seems to love her school.  I really wish my baby was home, but I’m very happy that she is taking the help she is receiving and using it to her full advantage.  So, for that I am very blessed.  So, as long as she continues on the right track, I will do whatever it takes to keep her going.  Please keep her in your prayers.

Now, for the funny part.  I got hit on by a woman today.  I bought some cologne the other day.  It is called Burberry London.  It smells so good.  I swear when I smelled it on myself, I wanted to make love to myself.  Well, I had it on today.  I went to a couple of stores and this woman walked past me.  She was sort of masculine but not a total dude.  She walked past me and I felt her looking.  She walked up to me and said, “Excuse me, please don’t take this the wrong way, but you really smell good.  What is that you are wearing?”  I told her what it was and asked her how could I possibly take that the wrong way?  She said, “I didn’t want you to think I was coming on to you.”  I said, “Oh, now well, that’s just too bad.”  And then I began to walk away.  She came back up to me and said, “Wait, hell, I was coming on, but I didn’t know how you would take it.” I said, “Well, see now, my feelings are already hurt because you said you weren’t coming on to me.”  She said, “Well, that was just a front.  Are you family?”  I know from hanging with a lot of gay women before that family means gay.  I told her, “No, sweetheart, I’m not gay.  I’m straight, but if I was gay, you would be the first on my list”  Hell, the girl was cute.  She said, “Do you think I could change your mind?”  I told her, “Naw, sweetie, I’m straight, but I thank you for the compliments.”  She said, “Your man is one lucky man.”  I started walking away and said, “I will be sure to tell him.  You have a nice day sweetheart.”  She tickled the shit out of me.  I felt like flirting dammit and she was the only one right there right then. 

Now, remember Rod?  Well, he called me tonight to talk about what was going on with me and Beezie.  He thinks Beezie and I are married and I’m only using him until he gets out.  My relationship with Beezie is a very complicated one.  Yes, he is my best friend.  Yes, he is someone that I love deeply.  We are NOT in a companion relationship.  He is NOT my man.  I am NOT his woman.  However, at this point, he is the ONLY man I would consider letting touching me in any sexual way.  Some would say we are friends with benefits, but I don’t consider that to be true either.  Sometimes I wonder if we will ever get back together since we are so close, but then, knowing us, probably not.  We are just too close and to me when you get to that brother/sister level, it would never work as a couple.  So, I sincerely think we will forever be the best of friends.  Well, naturally, men have a serious problem with this.  That is why I tell every man I meet from day one, that Beezie will be in my life no matter what, and if they could not handle it, then there would be no reason to get involved to begin with.  Well, most of them lie and say they can deal with it, and can’t.  So far, Eric was the only one that seemed as if he could actually do it.  But tonight, Rod called and kept going on and on about Beezie.  I got fed up and told him that I would talk to him later.  Then he calls me back and finally admits that he is younger than he first admitted.  When we first met, he said that he was 24 and will be 25 in February which is cool with me because I like younger men.  But, tonight, he admitted that he was 19 and will be 20 in February.  I instantly got hot.  I was like, “Lil’ boy, you damn near young enough to date my fucking daughter.”  All he could say was, “But if I told you, you wouldn’t have went out with me.”  I said, “You’re right.  Just like I’m not going to talk to you now.  I’ll holla!”  And I hung up the phone.  Now the funny part will be when he goes back to work and I go up there to get some stuff to fix my car.  I’m gonna be cool about it and probably die laughing because to me the shit is funny now.  It’s basically just par for the course now.  Knowing me, I will probably go straight to him to order my stuff for my car.  But, see, you know I gotta be hella mean and get real cute-ified and smell real good when I go there.  I’ll probably flirt with someone else just to piss him off.  I had quit playing games with men because I was really ready to find someone to try to begin to build a life with.  But, with the shit I’ve been going through, I’m not being serious with anyone and I am really finna date my ass off.  I was only sticking to one man at a time.  Now, I’m gonna be up front and tell mother fucka’s….NO don’t ask  me no questions, because I won’t ask you anything….NO you can’t fuck me….yeah you can take me out….yeah we can chill….yeah, if I’m feeling you, I might even take you out….NO you can’t come to my house….NO I don’t wanna come to your house…..NO I don’t want to be your woman…NO I don’t want you to be my man…if you see me with another man, speak and keep going….if I see you with another woman, I will just blow a kiss and keep going…mind your business, and I will mind mine!!!!  Sounds damn good to me.  That’s the new plan. 

Dear Diary,

I can’t go visit Beezie yet because of me not being a blood relative.  What the fuck kind of shit is that?  I am so fucking lost right now.  I really need to see him.  That’s the only thing I really have to look forward to, and they snatched it right from up under me.  Until he gets to the place where he will be until he gets out, I cant see him.  My God, how much more can I take alone?  We were not meant to be in this cruel, fucked up world alone and here I sit, by my fucking self.  I need at least one person that I can touch who is totally in my corner.  I’m not greedy.  Just one.  Just one on my side.  Just one fucking shoulder to lean on.  How the fuck can I keep being the shoulder for Jae and him when I don’t have a shoulder to lean on?  How can you keep uplifting people when you are so fucking low yourself?!!!  FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!!

Dear Diary,

Down another 3.2 lbs. and saying a fond farewell to the 450’s once again! Just .8 more and I’ll be back in virgin fat territory and my before turkey day weight.

I was really stressed about this WI, but as usual, I was stressed for nothing!!